Posts Tagged: depression

“Even a Sliver of Light”

“For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.” (2 Corinthians 5:6, English Standard Version)

I missed the total eclipse yesterday. There were a number of good reasons for this, but knowing that there are good reasons for something doesn’t negate the disappointment. Where we live, the sun was probably 98% obscured by the sun, but there was still a lot of light.

However, taking a break from weeding the flower beds, sitting with my sweetheart in our driveway, and basking in the premature early twilight—these were sweet realities. And one more thing: We both were amazed by how much light even a little sliver of the sun could give us.

Perhaps there is a parable in there for all of us. Of late, I’ve been struggling with depression. The passing of time and the passing of blood clots to my lungs and brain and heart can cast a shadow on even a basically happy person like me.

But there is God and there are good and beautiful things in this universe. And perhaps even a little experience of God and God’s goodness is enough to shed all the light I need, even when nearer things obscure most of the light for a little while.

Perhaps even a sliver of light is enough.

“What I Get Out of Depression”

A friend who knows that I struggle with depression asked me a very fine, probing question: “What do you get from being depressed?” Really good friends are the ones who ask you the tough questions that you don’t have the courage to ask yourself. This question was a dandy!

Hummm! What do I get out of being depressed? Two things come to mind right away.

First, when I’m depressed, I get some sympathy. One problem with this is that, after a while, even good friends and my wife (who is the best of friends) get weary of catering to my grey moods. Sometimes my depression is a colossal form of selfishness. I am not saying this about your depression, only my own. However, if the shoe fits and all that jazz.

Another problem with the sympathy that I get from others when I’m depressed is a strange phenomenon: When I’m depressed, I can’t metabolize the kindness and sympathy of others. Depression is a kind of Crone’s Disease of the mind and emotions. The more I crave understanding from others, the less good it does me. When I’m depressed, I find myself starving for the very things that those who love me are so desperately feeding me.

A second “benefit” of my depression (and I use the word “benefit” very loosely) is that depression gives me the right to do nothing for myself or for anyone else. Depression thus feeds my laziness. The net effect of doing nothing for myself or for anyone else is, quite predictably, deeper depression.

So, what I really “get” out of depression is . . . more depression! The best thing I can get out of depression is myself.

“When You’re Depressed, Part 2”

I continue to wrestle with depression, but don’t worry: I will not be making this the subject of every blog post. Life is too short for that.

However, I neglected to mention a couple of crucial things that help when I’m depressed: gratitude and my dog.

Gratitude is not being thankful when I feel like it. If it were, how could I be thankful when I’m depressed? Rather, gratitude is thanking other people, God, the universe—even myself—as an act of the will.

I added the words “even myself” to the preceding sentence almost without intending to. I had never thought of the possibility of being thankful to myself.

Huh!

I can make my gratitude list, just as I usually do. Who can stop me? I can will thankfulness and express thankfulness, even when I don’t feel thankful.

Excuse me while I make a list of at least 50 things for which I’m thankful.

. . .

There!

And the other helpful thing isn’t a thing. It’s our little dog. She is eight pounds of love and devotion. Her loving and accepting spirit is a better witness to God’s love and acceptance than most people are.

Laylah loves to come upstairs with me to my work area. Sometimes, she wants to explore. But increasingly, she just comes up with me, curls up in my recliner (which is right next to my desk), and goes to sleep. Apparently, my nearness is enough for her.

Thank you, God, for Laylah!

Hey! I combined both themes for today’s anti-depression assault into one short, grateful sentence. Thank you, self!

“Emotional Depression: How to Get out of The Pits”

I was struggling with depression yesterday, so I reported this fact to my sponsors this morning.  One of my 12-step sponsors asked me a great question about depression this morning.  “Although when the time the Bible was written, depression may have not have been a term that was used. What is the general overview of the Bible regarding depression? What is their guidance?”

It is true, as far as I can tell, that the Bible does not mention depression, at least as we would understand that word.  However, there is a story in the Old Testament that may speak to the issue of depression.  It is the story of Elijah.  Elijah was a prophet who spoke to the Northern Kingdom of Israel during a time of corruption and apostasy from the LORD, the God of Israel.  There was a great deal of idolatrous worship and social injustice.  The rich were getting richer and the poor were getting poorer.  Violence was the norm.  There was a veneer of religiosity, but no substance.  Any similarity with modern America is strictly accidental.

God, through the prophet Elijah, confronted Israel with its sin.  For some not-so-strange reason, Israel didn’t like thinking that they were to blame for a terrible drought that had wrecked the economy, and was costing people their lives.  So, there were those in high positions—especially King Ahab and Queen Jezebel—who wanted Elijah dead.  After all, Elijah was the one who had announced the drought, so he must be to blame.  Right?

Queen Jezebel decided to get rid of this thorn in everybody’s side.  She could have put him to death, but there might be a popular outcry.  After all, some people in Israel did regard Elijah as a real prophet.  So, instead of putting out a contract on Elijah, Queen Jezebel made a threat to have him killed.  It would perhaps be better if he ran for his life, than for her to take his life.

It worked like a charm.  Here is the story, as recorded in 1 Kings 19:

“Ahab told Jezebel all that Elijah had done, and how he had killed all the prophets with the sword.

Then Jezebel sent a messenger to Elijah, saying, “So may the gods do to me and more also, if I do not make your life as the life of one of them [i.e., like the false prophets that Elijah had killed] by this time tomorrow.”

Then he was afraid, and he arose and ran for his life and came to Beersheba, which belongs to Judah, and left his servant there.  But he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness and came and sat down under a broom tree. And he asked that he might die, saying, “It is enough; now, O LORD, take away my life, for I am no better than my fathers.”

And he lay down and slept under a broom tree. And behold, an angel touched him and said to him, “Arise and eat.”

And he looked, and behold, there was at his head a cake baked on hot stones and a jar of water. And he ate and drank and lay down again.

And the angel of the LORD came again a second time and touched him and said, “Arise and eat, for the journey is too great for you.”

And he arose and ate and drank, and went in the strength of that food forty days and forty nights to Horeb, the mount of God. There he came to a cave and lodged in it. And behold, the word of the LORD came to him, and he said to him, “What are you doing here, Elijah?”

He said, “I have been very jealous for the LORD, the God of hosts. For the people of Israel have forsaken your covenant, thrown down your altars, and killed your prophets with the sword, and I, even I only, am left, and they seek my life, to take it away.”

And he said, “Go out and stand on the mount before the LORD.” And behold, the LORD passed by, and a great and strong wind tore the mountains and broke in pieces the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. And after the wind an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake.

And after the earthquake a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire the sound of a low whisper.

And when Elijah heard it, he wrapped his face in his cloak and went out and stood at the entrance of the cave. And behold, there came a voice to him and said, “What are you doing here, Elijah?”

He said, “I have been very jealous for the LORD, the God of hosts. For the people of Israel have forsaken your covenant, thrown down your altars, and killed your prophets with the sword, and I, even I only, am left, and they seek my life, to take it away.”

And the LORD said to him, “Go, return on your way to the wilderness of Damascus. And when you arrive, you shall anoint Hazael to be king over Syria.

And Jehu the son of Nimshi you shall anoint to be king over Israel, and Elisha the son of Shaphat of Abel-meholah you shall anoint to be prophet in your place.

And the one who escapes from the sword of Hazael shall Jehu put to death, and the one who escapes from the sword of Jehu shall Elisha put to death.

Yet I will leave seven thousand in Israel, all the knees that have not bowed to Baal, and every mouth that has not kissed him.” So he departed from there and found Elisha the son of Shaphat, who was plowing with twelve yoke of oxen in front of him, and he was with the twelfth. Elijah passed by him and cast his cloak upon him.

And he left the oxen and ran after Elijah and said, “Let me kiss my father and my mother, and then I will follow you.” And he said to him, “Go back again, for what have I done to you?”

And he returned from following him and took the yoke of oxen and sacrificed them and boiled their flesh with the yokes of the oxen and gave it to the people, and they ate. Then he arose and went after Elijah and assisted him.

(1 Kings 19:1-21, English Standard Version)

While the words “depressed” or “depression” do not occur in this story, it seems to me that Elijah was, in fact, depressed.

And what did God do to help Elijah?  Several things, actually.

  1. God let Elijah run,
  2. God made sure that Elijah got a bunch of rest.
  3. God made sure that Elijah ate.
  4. God asked Elijah a very simple question: “What are you doing here?”  (Elijah’s response was not so much an answer as a dodge.  “I’m the only righteous person left in Israel, and they are trying to kill me.”)
  5. God confronted Elijah with his addiction to the dramatic.  (God sent strong wind, an intense earthquake, and fire, but was not in those things.)
  6. God spoke to Elijah, not through the dramatic, but by means of the quiet.
  7. God asked Elijah the same question that God had already asked: “What are you doing here Elijah?”  Unfortunately, Elijah gave God the same lame (non)answer.
  8. God reminded Elijah that God still had work for Elijah to do, and that Elijah needed to get on with it.
  9. God informed Elijah that there were several thousand in Israel who had remained faithful.  Elijah was not as alone as he felt.
  10. God gave Elijah an assistant and understudy—Elisha.

Of course, this is a story.  It is not a prescription.  Often, those of us who are Christians, are reminded “not to base doctrines on stories.”  Probably, we should be wary of basing emotional and mental healing on stories as well.

However, I find some good healing hints in this story.  Exercise.  Eat regular meals.  Rest.  Let God ask some difficult questions—over and over, if need be.  You still have work to do.  Do it!  Remember that you are not alone.  Get a companion to help you.

I have struggled with depression since I was nine years old.  I didn’t even know what to call it, until years later.  And I probably don’t need to tell you, dear reader, that this is a very stressful time we are living in right now.  We will all probably have days when we struggle with depression.  On these days, and likely in all of our days, we need to remind ourselves and one another to exercise and rest, and eat, and all of these other things that this story might suggest.  Depression will attack us all at times like these, but there is still hope.  There are some simple things that can help—if you do them.

I’m going to paraphrase an acronym that I heard many years ago.  It was part of a joke that I heard.  A pastor was beginning his ministry at his very first church.  He was, quite understandably, very nervous as he was about to preach his first sermon.  When he looked at his notes, he discovered that his wife had added the word “KISS” at the top of his notes.  He looked out at the congregation, and smiled at his wife.  She smiled back.  Her thoughtful note helped him to relax, and he did fine.

After the sermon and greeting his parishioners, he said to his wife, “Thanks for the kiss!  It really helped me to relax a bit.”

“That’s nice honey.  You did realize it was an acronym, didn’t you?”

“Uh . . .,” the young pastor hesitated.  “It was?”

“Yes,” said it his wife.  It stood for.

Keep

It

Simple

Sweetheart!

So, I say unto thee, keep it simple, sweethearts!  Maybe you’ll get out of the pits after all!

“Invincible Summer”

“In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.”  (Albert Camus)

This was the epigraph that led off one of my 12-step readings this morning.  I am profoundly grateful to Hazelden Publishing for these readings.  They help make me saner—or, at least, a little less crazy.

I have been prone to depression for nearly sixty years.  It started just before Christmas when I was nine years old.  I didn’t even know what to call it then.  I have since come to know the grey monster only too well.

Especially in winter, it is a problem.  Some forty years ago, my wife noticed, one dreary February day, that I was more prone to depression in the winter.  In her usual constructive manner, she said, “You need to get some exercise.  Perhaps that would help.”

“It’s 270!” I replied.  I thought that would cool her jets.  It didn’t.  She’s pesky like that.

“Why don’t we go play golf?” she continued.  “You’ve been wanting to teach me how to play.”

“It’s 270!” I said again, as if she hadn’t heard the first time.

“We’ll bundle up,” she said.

Knowing my wife’s persistence (and being too depressed to resist much of anything), we bundled up, got someone to watch our kids, threw my clubs in our refrigerated car, and headed for the golf course.

After five holes of icy golf, I was feeling much colder, but a lot less depressed.  “I think I’m feeling better,” I said, through chattering teeth.  And then, I added, “You really did well for this being your first golf outing ever.”

“I would have done even better if I had had left-handed clubs,” she replied.  I am a righty, and my wife is a lefty.  She really did do well!

I have a lot to be depressed about right now.  No need to go into all the details.  It would make me even more depressed if I did.  It probably wouldn’t do a lot to lift your spirits either.

But now, along comes Camus, who is not known for his optimism, with this quote: “In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.”

Invincible summer!  Now there’s an incantation with which to conjure.  I can certainly remember summer, even in winter.  And I can play summer songs on You Tube.  I can probably even create a “summer channel” on AccuRadio.

And maybe, just maybe, I can come to enjoy winter more, too.

After a long, grey, wintry spell, the day is dawning cold, but bright and clear.  Today, I will choose joy.  Today, I will choose to be invincible summer.

Grace: God’s Middle Name

Or is “Grace” God’s first, middle, and last name? Perhaps God is Grace from beginning to end?

A friend (who is also my twelve-step sponsor) sent me the following link: https://www-nytimes-com.cdn.ampproject.org/c/s/www.nytimes.com/2018/12/23/opinion/grace-jesus-christmas-christianity.amp.html.

I am not sure whether or not my sponsor realized how much I’ve been struggling with depression the past few days. Specifically, I’ve been wondering if God’s grace is truly enough for me. I’m probably the only person in the world who wonders that, right?

If you ever struggle with depression at this or any time of year, if you ever feel like an outsider, you need use the link (pasted above) to connect with the article by Peter Wehner.

Who knows? Maybe God is gracious after all. Maybe this link will help to link you to this Gracious God.

“LABELS?  OR NAMES?”

My wife and I were talking about labels today.

No, we were not discussing labels on canned goods or jelly jars. We were discussing labels for people.  My wife often provokes me to say something wise.  She did that this morning.

“I think the labels we give people gives us the illusion of knowing them, while we really don’t know them at all,” I said.  And then I added, “The only label that we should use for people is their name.”

But, of course, we don’t know people’s real names either, do we?

Take the labels “liberal” and “conservative,” for example.  I describe myself as fairly conservative theologically, but fairly liberal politically.  I have a guy on my softball team who describes himself as an “ultra-conservative.”  But the question that I asked him is the same I ask everyone and myself as well: “What are you conserving?”

In fact, I need to ask myself two questions: “What am I conserving? About what am I being liberal?”  Simply labeling myself is as pointless as labeling other people.

And what is my name?

Both the Old and New Testament talk a lot about names.  They also talk a lot about having a change of names.

In a previous blog posted on this site, I wrote about my struggle with depression.  That post is called “A Man Named Forgiven.”  You can go back and read it, if you like.

But, in the context of labels and names, I need to remember that I don’t know the real name of anyone I encounter today.  I don’t know the real name of the guys on my softball team.  I don’t even know the real name of my wife of forty-five years.

And I dare not label anyone.  Why?  Because labeling is a shortcut for trying to really understand them.  If I really know their name/s, I don’t need shortcuts, and if I don’t really know their names, a shortcut is another term for a dead end.

Perhaps I shouldn’t even label myself.  Perhaps that is a dead end as well.

“WHAT NOT TO DO WHEN I’M DEPRESSED”

 

I am a little depressed today.  The problem with being a little depressed is that depression grows up really quickly.

It might be helpful to list some of the things that I think are contributing to my depression.  Here they are, complete with bullet points.

  • I haven’t been sleeping well.
  • I got some bad news (at least, it seems bad for me) about one of my jobs.
  • A good friend and I exchanged some unkind words recently.
  • I was back up to 170 pounds this morning. (Hey!  Do you want an honest blog post or not?!)
  • I don’t do well with cold, gray days. (I may have a touch of seasonal affective disorder—or maybe I just don’t like cold, gray days.)
  • I’m depressed because I’m depressed.

That last contributing factor is the most serious one.  The really devastating thing about depression is that it feeds on itself.  The words of Frederick Buechner about anger come to mind.

“Of the Seven Deadly Sins, anger is possibly the most fun. To lick your wounds, to smack your lips over grievances long past, to roll over your tongue the prospect of bitter confrontations still to come, to savor to the last toothsome morsel both the pain you are given and the pain you are giving back–in many ways it is a feast fit for a king. The chief drawback is that what you are wolfing down is yourself. The skeleton at the feast is you.”

The same may be said of depression.  In fact, some psychologists think that depression is anger turned inward.

When you’re depressed, you don’t want to do anything.  There is a particular to aversion to doing anything that might help you get out of the depression.

So, I am trying to do only things I don’t feel like doing for the rest of the day.

  • In fact, I have already taken a nap. Take that, depression!
  • I don’t feel like taking care of or playing with our puppy, so that is what I have done and will do several more times before I go into work.
  • I don’t feel like shaving, so I will.
  • I don’t feel like exercising, so I will go out and walk for two miles.
  • I don’t feel like going into work, but I will anyway.
  • I don’t feel like posting anything on my blog, but I will anyway.

Hey!  I feel a little better already!

 

“A ‘GOOD’ ANNIVERSARY?”

Today, September 11, 2017, is the fourteenth anniversary of my coming clean about my past.  It wasn’t easy.  It still isn’t easy.  The sins and wrong-doings may be in the past, but the effects upon those that I sinned against have ongoing effects on them.  I am not immune either.  There are times when even old scars ache.

However, I keep remembering my name: “FORGIVEN!”  I keep remembering the God who sent his Son to die for my sins and indeed for the sins of the whole world.  I keep remembering that, although I am not yet the man I want to be, I am not the man I once was either.

So, today is a day when I mourn the death of the man I used to be.  He was never completely evil, but he certainly did great evil.  I must never forget that.

But today is also a day when I celebrate a birth: the birth of a man who has tried to give his past a proper burial, a man who is not the same man he used to be, a man who is being changed from the inside out.  I’m a lot of work and a work in progress, but I am, after all, God’s work.

I owe a lot to a bunch of people for the man I am becoming.  I used to think that people are individuals.  I suppose that we are, in some sense.  However, I now suspect that we are also herd animals.  So, I want to thank other members of my herd.  It’s a big herd!

My wife has been my main “God-with-skin-on” person.  She has been a faithful and consistent reminder that God accepts me as I am, but doesn’t leave me as I am.  Thank God for both of those reminders!

Friends who have stuck with me in spite of everything also come to mind.  They too are part of my herd, and I’m part of their herd.

In particular, twelve-step friends know all about my past, and still regard me kindly and hopefully.  Sponsors, both those in the past and my present sponsor, have also been a vital part of the herd.

And then, there is my church family—particularly my/our pastor.  I sent a grateful e mail to him today.  Here it is in a somewhat modified form.

“Dear ________,

Another excellent sermon!  Thanks!

A week ago yesterday, the devil tried to cut me out of the herd in our church parking lot.  When Sharon and I arrived, it was hard to go in and face people.  I wanted to bolt.

But I didn’t.  And even though I sat there crying with my head down, God’s Word through you got through to me.  Your prayer for me meant a lot to me also.  (And, as already noted, it was answered swiftly!)

This Sunday, after living for a week with my new name (FORGIVEN!), I was in a much better place to receive God’s Word through you in a much better way.  But when you flashed that picture of the lion chasing that lone animal (a wildebeest??), I thought of myself the previous week.  I realized just how in danger I was in that moment.  The evil one was trying to cut me out of the herd.  If he had succeeded, he would not have eaten my lunch.  He would have eaten me for lunch.

Depression isolates.  Togetherness has great healing power.  Almost makes you think that God made us for community, doesn’t it?!?

Warm Regards,

___________”

Stay with the herd, my friends!  Stay with the herd!

“A MAN NAMED ‘FORGIVEN!’”

He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To him who overcomes, to him I will give some of the hidden manna, and I will give him a white stone, and a new name written on the stone which no one knows but he who receives it”  (Revelation 2:17).

I’ve been battling depression of late.  In a sense, this is old news.  I’ve battled depression since I was nine years old.  I didn’t even have a name for it in those days.  Later, I would learn its name and nature only too well.

I’ve made horrible decisions over the years.  And horrible decisions have had horrible consequences for me and for those I have harmed over the years.

So, depressed as I was, I went to church yesterday very reluctantly.  Depression feeds on isolation, and isolation feeds on depression.  Eventually, they consume one another.  In the end, I realize that I am the feast that depression and isolation are having.

Normally, I find church very uplifting.  I didn’t yesterday.  This was not the fault of the pastor.  The sermon was fine.  It wasn’t the worship team’s fault.  They led us in some very uplifting music, which, nevertheless, failed to life me up.  It wasn’t the people’s fault.  They were as kind as ever.

One of the problems with depression is that it feeds on everything.  Depression is an omnivore.  Good sermons, uplifting music, people’s kindness—depression can devour them all and be nourished by them.

The sermon was about forgiveness.  The pastor said many true and helpful things.  I knew that they were true when he said them.  Now, I realize that they were also helpful.

One of the things he said was that, when Jesus said “It is finished,” on the cross, that meant “PAID IN FULL.”  True!

At the end of his good sermon, he challenged us to write down our sins on a piece of paper that looked very much like a check.  (I had to write small, and didn’t have nearly enough time.  I finally just wrote “ETC., ETC. ETC.”)

Then, he asked us to come up to the front of the church, and stamp our “sin list” with a stamp that said “PAID IN FULL.”  I stamped my “check” on both sides.  Then, I took communion.

I still felt awful.  I was on the brink (or over the brink) of tears during the entire service.

The pastor had challenged us not only to receive God’s forgiveness for ourselves, but also to forgive others.  I thought to myself, “I don’t really have anyone to forgive.”  Then, one name came to me—my own.  I dissolved in a puddle of tears, still depressed.

I spoke with the pastor on the way out.  He could see that I was in bad shape, and took me aside into a small lounge.  He listened and prayed.  I did not immediately feel better.  However, his prayer was most assuredly heard.

As my wife and I pulled out of the parking lot, a song by Casting Crowns came on K-Love Radio.  The song is titled, “One Step Away.”  Here are the lyrics:

“What if you could go back and relive one day of your life all over again
And unmake the mistake that left you a million miles away
From the you, you once knew
Now yesterday’s shame keeps saying that you’ll never get back on track
But what if I told you

You’re one step away from surrender
One step away from coming home, coming home
One step from arms wide open
His love has never let you go
You’re not alone
You’re one step away

It doesn’t matter how far you’ve gone
Mercy says you don’t have to keep running down the road you’re on
Love’s never met a lost cause
Your shame, lay it down
Leave your ghosts in the past ‘cause you know that you can’t go back
But you can turn around
You’ve never been more than

One step away from surrender
One step away from coming home, coming home
One step from arms wide open
His love has never let you go
You’re not alone (not alone)
You’re one step away
You’re one step away

Lay down, lay down your old chains
Come now, and take up your new name
Your best life up ahead now
You’re one step away

Lay down, lay down your old chains
Come now, and take up your new name
Your best life up ahead now
You’re one step away

Lay down, lay down your old chains
Come now, and take up your new name
Your best life up ahead now
You’re one step away

So come on home, come on home
One step from arms wide open
His love has never let you go
You’re not alone (you’re not alone)
You’re one step away

Lay down, lay down your old chains
Take up, take up your new name

Lay down, lay down your old chains
Take up, take up your new name

Lay down, lay down your old chains
Come now, take up your new name
Your best life up ahead now
One step away

Lay down, lay down your old chains
Come now, and take up your new name
Your best life up ahead now
You’re just one step away”

(Written by John Mark Hall, Bernie Herms, Matthew West • Copyright © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Universal Music Publishing Group).

Oh my!

And then, I thought about the fact that we will be given a new name someday by Jesus (Revelation 2:17).  Of course, Jesus gave names to people when he was here on earth two-thousand years ago.  If Jesus is now in Heaven with the Father (who is everywhere at the same time; “omnipresence” is the official word for this), then why couldn’t Jesus give me a new name right now?

I have very rarely felt that I heard the voice of God.  However, this time I am quite certain that I did hear that Voice, the Voice that answered my heart’s cry for a new name.

And the Voice said, “Your name is “FORGIVEN!”

Perhaps that’s your name, too.

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