Monthly Archives: November 2021
“The ‘If-Only-I-Had’ Game”
Do you ever play the “If-Only-I-Had (or Hadn’t)” game? I was starting to do that this morning. I caught myself and decided to redirect my thinking by doing some twelve-step readings. Here is one of them.
“”If onlys” are lonely.
—Morgan Jennings
The circumstances of our lives seldom live up to our expectations or desires. However, in each circumstance we are offered an opportunity for growth or change, a chance for greater understanding of life’s heights and pitfalls. Each time we choose to lament what isn’t, we close the door on the invitation to a better existence.
We simply don’t know just what’s best for us. Our vision is limited. Less so today than yesterday, but limited still. The experiences we are offered will fail to satisfy our expectations because we expect so much less than God has planned for us in the days ahead.
We get what we need, in the way of relationships, adventures, joys and sorrows, today and every day. Celebrating what we get and knowing there is good in it eases whatever trial we are undergoing. We are cared for, right now. We need not lament what we think we need. We do have what we need. We will always get what we need, when we need it.
I will breathe deeply and relax. At this moment my every need is being attended to. My life is unfolding exactly as it should.” (From Each Day a New Beginning: Daily Meditations for Women by Karen Casey © 1982, 1991 by Hazelden Foundation.)
“If onlys are lonely.” Yes indeed! The past is haunted for all of us. Some of the ghosts are good memories. Others are not. But all these ghosts are just that—ghosts. And who wants to hang around with things that were once alive but are so no longer? The best thing to do with the past is to learn from it and give it a decent burial.
Yet, I often play the “If only” game, and I always lose. How do I quit playing this losing game of “If-only”? I don’t know. I often write these posts, not to share my insights, but to confess my ignorance. However, even though I am not sure how to handle these “if-only” moments, I do have some suspicions.
Suspicion # 1: Just noticing that I’m tempted to play the game is useful. If I don’t notice that I am about to play a losing game that’s not fun, I will play the game—and lose.
Suspicion # 2: I need to remember that, when I’m playing this losing game, I am not playing a game that might be more useful. And what is that game? Well, it goes by many names. My mom or my wife might call it the “How-Can-I-Bless-Someone-Else-Today” game. That’s a much better game. Everybody wins in that game.
Suspicion # 3: I need to recognize that I am playing the if-only game out of laziness. Preoccupation with the past, whether that preoccupation is nostalgia or regret, is one way of avoiding doing productive work right now. I don’t like lazy people, especially when the lazy people is/are me.
I have that you have a good non-if-only day!
“The Bible and Sibling Rivalry”
The Bible talks a lot about sibling rivalry. Sometimes, such rivalry becomes “sibyl war”!
I was at a virtual scholarly meeting this morning in which a very thought-provoking paper was presented on sibling rivalry. The presenter said that the book of Genesis is shot through with brothers (and sisters) who don’t get along. The Bible can be incredibly frank about human nature and family dynamics.
And yet, the book of Genesis ends on a somewhat hopeful note. Joseph had been horribly treated by his brothers. They had planned to kill him outright, then threw him into a well to starve to death, but then had a change of plans if not of heart. No, they would not kill their brother. (“After all, he is our brother,” they had said to one another.) Instead, they would sell Joseph into slavery in Egypt. It was a more compassionate (and lucrative) action.
Some compassion, right?
However, Joseph rose from being a slave to being second in command to Pharaoh. He was in charge of grain distribution during a severe food shortage. His brothers came to Egypt to buy food and did not recognize that they were dealing with their brother. But they were.
Eventually, Joseph revealed himself to them. They were justifiably shocked and eaten up with guilt and fear.
Yet, the story ends with Joseph saying that what his brothers had meant for evil, God had worked for their good. Joseph promised them that he was not going to treat them as they deserved, but rather, as they needed to be treated. He would not kill them. Rather, he would help keep them alive.
A lot of us—probably most of us—have serious problems with at least part of our families. Estrangement is no stranger to many of us. Perhaps we would do well to remember the ending of Genesis. Perhaps we could show mercy, rather than harboring resentment or exacting revenge. Perhaps the ending of Genesis could be where we end up in our own lives.
“Knowing People from the Inside Out”
A friend of mine who is a psychologist made an intriguing comment over coffee about twelve-step programs this morning. I was talking about how quickly and deeply twelve-steppers become friends.
My friend said that he was not surprised. “The usual way is for people to put their best foot forward when they are meeting someone new. Later on, people may find out the bad stuff. In twelve-step groups, you tell all your bad stuff first. Instead of getting to know people from the outside in, you know people from the inside out.”
In a little known—and even less practiced—discipline, Christians are told to confess their sins to one another (James 5:16). The Roman Catholic Church delegates this task of confession primarily to a priest. This may be an overly narrow practice of what seems to be simply part of a Christian’s job description.
Protestants, on the other hand, generally ignore confession to their fellow believers altogether. I have heard it said, “We confess to God (or Jesus), not to a priest!” The problem is that the Bible seems to speak of confessing our sins to one another. Only by a huge stretch can the “one another” of James be taken as referring to God.
So, when Christians get together and ask each other how they are, the standard response is “Fine!” or “Blessed!” While I do agree that we are wildly blessed, that is only part of our story. A lot of bad, uncomfortable stuff can be going on in the inside, even for those who are blessed.
Actually, I have known a few Christians who had their lives pretty much together. Then, I got to know them better. They were some of the most dysfunctional people I’ve ever known. Part of their dysfunction was pretending as if they had it all together.
There is a commercial for a bank that has cardboard cutouts that are the supposed support staff for other online “banks.” I confess that sometimes it feels like that with my fellow Christians.
Alcoholics Anonymous, the father or grandfather of every other twelve-step program, began in a church basement. Perhaps the church needs to go underground again, and begin operating from the inside out.
“Leaving Politics in the Voting Booth”
“Rom. 14:1 As for the one who is weak in faith, welcome him, but not to quarrel over opinions. 2 One person believes he may eat anything, while the weak person eats only vegetables. 3 Let not the one who eats despise the one who abstains, and let not the one who abstains pass judgment on the one who eats, for God has welcomed him. 4 Who are you to pass judgment on the servant of another? It is before his own master that he stands or falls. And he will be upheld, for the Lord is able to make him stand.
Rom. 14:5 One person esteems one day as better than another, while another esteems all days alike. Each one should be fully convinced in his own mind. 6 The one who observes the day, observes it in honor of the Lord. The one who eats, eats in honor of the Lord, since he gives thanks to God, while the one who abstains, abstains in honor of the Lord and gives thanks to God. 7 For none of us lives to himself, and none of us dies to himself. 8 For if we live, we live to the Lord, and if we die, we die to the Lord. So then, whether we live or whether we die, we are the Lord’s. 9 For to this end Christ died and lived again, that he might be Lord both of the dead and of the living.
Rom. 14:10 Why do you pass judgment on your brother? Or you, why do you despise your brother? For we will all stand before the judgment seat of God; 11 for it is written,
“As I live, says the Lord, every knee shall bow to me,
and every tongue shall confess to God.”
Rom. 14:12 So then each of us will give an account of himself to God.
Rom. 14:13 Therefore let us not pass judgment on one another any longer, but rather decide never to put a stumbling block or hindrance in the way of a brother. 14 I know and am persuaded in the Lord Jesus that nothing is unclean in itself, but it is unclean for anyone who thinks it unclean. 15 For if your brother is grieved by what you eat, you are no longer walking in love. By what you eat, do not destroy the one for whom Christ died. 16 So do not let what you regard as good be spoken of as evil. 17 For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking but of righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. 18 Whoever thus serves Christ is acceptable to God and approved by men. 19 So then let us pursue what makes for peace and for mutual upbuilding.” (Romans 14:1-18, English Standard Version)
A very sharp guy at the chess club said a very wise thing the other night. One of the players was getting a bit too political in his questions, and my chess-playing friend said, “I don’t talk about politics in public. I leave politics in the voting booth.” He didn’t say it meanly, but he said it firmly, as if he meant it. The conversation swiftly turned to other things.
This reminded me of something I was frequently told by my parents when I was a boy: “Never talk about religion or politics.” (Sex could have been included among the taboo topics, except for the fact that even the word “sex” was not to be spoken.)
Nowadays, we talk about everything—incessantly. Perhaps we should consider reinstating the old rule of thumb. Much of our talk lacks not just nuance, but substance. We have strong opinions, but we baptize them and rename them convictions. The next step is for our opinionated convictions to become truth. Not our truth, but the truth.
In the passage from Paul’s letter to the Romans that leads off this post, Paul discusses divisions within the Roman Christian community. Some of the Jesus-followers were insisting it was either their way or the highway. Paul reminded them that neither way was the Jesus way. It’s a good reminder for us as well.
Now, neither my friend at chess club nor I are saying that we should never discuss politics or religion (or even sex) at all in any setting. My friend is a history teacher. He seeks to help his students to engage in critical thinking about political issues. We need to engage thoughtfully in discussions about all kinds of issues.
However, critical thinking isn’t what goes on these days in most political discussions. In fact, even the word “discussion” is a euphemism for rants and tirades and demonizing the opposition. Such things shouldn’t be left in the voting booth. They should be put in the garbage can.
“Unsubtle Guidance”
“8 I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
I will counsel you with my eye upon you.
9 Be not like a horse or a mule, without understanding,
which must be curbed with bit and bridle,
or it will not stay near you.” (Psalm 32:8-9, English Standard Version)
In a phone conversation with my friend Bob, I mentioned a book that I had just finished. I found the book very helpful.
“Hey! I just finished a really good book, Atomic Habits,” I said. I heard laughter on the other end of the phone connection. I didn’t realize that finishing a book was so funny, but I soon found out why he was laughing. His wife had just said to my friend that they needed to listen to that book on audio and discuss it. His son had also mentioned the book to Bob.
“I think God may be trying to tell me something,” Bob said. “I’m not that big on those kinds of books, but I think I do need to read it.”
This led to a discussion about God’s guidance through people’s not-so-random comments. “Sometimes, God speaks to me very subtly,” Bob said, “and sometimes I miss it.”
And I chipped in with the following comment and pledge: “I think I’ll start my day tomorrow with the prayer, ‘Speak to me and guide me today, LORD. And don’t be too subtle about it!’”
I know that God, like any good parent, wants his children to be guided by his quietist whisper or even his look, as the psalm verse that leads off this meditation suggests. However, I want to do what God wants today. And if God needs to be unsubtle, so be it!
I did indeed begin this morning, before I even got out of bed, with this prayer. I am planning on incorporating it into my usual routine. I’ll let you know if it helps. I suspect it will.
Meanwhile, you can marinate in the following two statements. I’ve forgotten the source, but the saying wears well.
“The question is not whether God still speaks. The question is, is anybody listening?”
“Confessions of a Blabber Mouth”
1 “Guard your steps when you go to the house of God. To draw near to listen is better than to offer the sacrifice of fools, for they do not know that they are doing evil. 2 Be not rash with your mouth, nor let your heart be hasty to utter a word before God, for God is in heaven and you are on earth. Therefore let your words be few. 3 For a dream comes with much business, and a fool’s voice with many words.” (Ecclesiastes 5:13, English Standard Version)
“Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger;” (James 1:19, English Standard Version)
I talk too much. I’ve known this since I was fairly young. My wife and friends tolerate it because they love me. Others pretend to tolerate it.
Let me say more about this.
See what I mean?! I talk a lot even when I’m writing and not talking.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I frequently say things that are quite helpful to people. However, as with everything else in life, too much is too much. Nobody really wants to sift the sand along the seashore to find an occasional gem.
So, here is what I’ve decided to do.
- I have decided to join another twelve-step program, Talker’s Anonymous. I’m not sure if such an organization actually exists. If not, I may have to start one.
2. I have decided to start asking myself a series of questions before I speak.
Is this true?
Is this likely to helpful?
Is this the right time to say what I am thinking of saying?
Of course, the possibility exists that, by the time I have answered these questions, the conversation will have swirled on to other matters. Would that be a fatal thing—or even a serious thing? Probably not?
There is an old rabbinic saying which counsels students to “say little and do much.” Good advice! I think I’ll take it to heart—and to my lips.
“On Falling Leaves, Death, and Life”
“When the white eagle of the North
Is flying overhead
And the browns, reds and golds of autumn
Lie in the gutter, dead
Remember then, the summer birds
With wings of fire flaying
Come to witness Spring’s new hope
Born of leaves decaying
As new life will come from death
Love will come at leisure
Love of love, love of life
And giving without measure
Gives in return a wondrous yearn
Of a promise almost seen
Live hand-in-hand
And together we’ll stand
On the threshold of a dream….” (The Moody Blues, from their 1969 album “On the Threshold of a Dream”)
I was watching a leaf falling from a tree on a beautiful, warm day in November. I had just gotten word that a good friend had died. I’ll call him “John”. This is not his real first name. We try to be very protective of people’s privacy in our groups. We were part of a group for mutual support and accountability.
John had a severe stroke two weeks ago. He died on November 10. When I got the word that I did not want to hear, I went outside for a good cry. And then, there was this leaf, this beautiful golden leaf falling slowly to the ground.
The tree didn’t seem to be upset about this. But then, I don’t understand the language of trees.
John was always encouraging to me and very insightful. He was a leader in our group, and I doubt that we can replace him. Perhaps no one can ever really be replaced. He loved his wife, his children, and his grandchildren. Often, John struggled to love and value himself. Most of us can identify with that.
This morning, I read the news that Graeme Edge, the drummer for the Moody Blues, had died. He wrote and spoke the words that lead off this post. In the poem, Edge speaks of remembering summer and hoping toward spring. Yes! And amen!
There is a rumor that is occasionally heard—and more often dismissed—that there is a life beyond this one. I struggle to believe that sometimes. I take heart from the fact that God’s people in both the Old and New Testaments also struggled to believe it. Struggling to believe something is not a sign that it is either true or false.
But since I usually struggle more to believe what turns out to be true, I suspect that there really is a life after this one. John was determined to live his life with integrity and to help others to do so as well. He certainly helped me. He was preparing himself for living well in this life and in the next life, although he entered it much sooner than any of us wanted.
R.I.P. John and Graeme.
“Believing We’re Forgiven, Provided . . .”
I believe that God can forgive anybody, even me. However, I also believe that there is a proviso. A proviso is a condition that must take place for an agreement to be kept.
Many people think that God’s love and forgiveness are unconditional. In a deep sense, that is true. There are no provisos in God’s love.
However, in order for us to actually experience God’s loving forgiveness, one of my recent twelve-step readings pointed out that there is a proviso. Here is part of that reading:
“Meditation for the Day
‘One thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things that are before, I press onward toward the goal.’ We should forget those things, which are behind us and press onward toward something better. We can believe that God has forgiven us for all our past sins, provided we are honestly trying to live today the way we believe He wants us to live. We can wipe clean the slate of the past. We can start today with a clean slate and go forward with confidence toward the goal that has been set before us.
Prayer for the Day
I pray that I may drop off the load of the past. I pray that I may start today with a light heart and a new confidence.”
(From Twenty-Four Hours a Day © 1975 by Hazelden Foundation.)
I was struck by the sentence, “We can believe that God has forgiven us for all our past sins, provided we are honestly trying to live today the way we believe He wants us to live. We can wipe clean the slate of the past.”
How we live our lives—which is mostly made up of the choices we make—matters in many ways. One way that making good choices matters is in the realm of assurance of God’s love and forgiveness. Sure, we are forgiven! Good news indeed! Our past does not have to determine our present or our future! More good news!
But all of this good news won’t mean much unless we are honestly striving to live the best lives we can. So, how about if we get busy fulfilling this proviso today? It isn’t about God fulfilling God’s part of deliverance. That part, we can take to the bank. It’s about the proviso.
Living out the proviso is hard work, but it is also good work. And doing good work gives us all kinds of assurance—including the fact that our past does not define us.
DTEB, “On Being Good to God”
I was journaling this morning. After my gratitude list, I wrote the following:
“I really want to be good to God today. We all want God (or the universe or other people or life) to be good to us. But today I want to be good to God. I’m not sure what that will entail in terms of my being and doings. I just know that I want to be good to you, LORD. Please direct me to the right thoughts, words, and actions to pull this off.”
Now, the problem with speaking to God is that God might get a word or two in edgewise. That is what I think happened this morning. It is difficult not to believe in God when you’ve started the day with a conversation with God. I frequently try to doubt the existence of God, but it is getting harder and harder, and I wonder if it is worth the effort.
Anyway, here is the conversation:
GOD: “Well, my child, I’m glad that you want to be good to me. That is very kind of you! Now, would you like to know how?”
Me: “Yes, indeed I do, LORD! However, remember that I am very much a beginner at this.”
GOD: “I am aware that you are a beginner, child. So, we’ll keep this really simple.
- Treat yourself well. I’m not talking about immediate gratification. That is not treating yourself well. That will destroy you, as you already more than half suspect. But treat yourself truly well. You don’t honor me by unnecessary self-denials. (You can reread Colossians 2:16-23 for further details, if you need them.)
- Treat others well. Be on the lookout for what they need. To the limit of your ability, meet those needs. Be kind. Think the best of people.
- Continue to be grateful to me and to depend on me.”
Me: “That’s it, LORD?! That’s all there is?!”
GOD: “Yep! And that will keep you plenty busy today or any day.”
I hope that you also have a busy and good day, dear reader!
DOWN TO EARTH BELIEVER
- “Even a Sliver of Light” April 9, 2024“For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.” (2 Corinthians 5:6, English Standard Version) I missed the total eclipse yesterday. There were a number of good reasons for this, but […]
- “The Process in Miracles and the Miracle of Process” March 11, 2024“2 Kings 5:1 Naaman, commander of the army of the king of Syria, was a great man with his master and in high favor, because by him the LORD had given victory to Syria. He was a mighty man of valor, but he was a leper. 2 Now the Syrians on one of their raids […]
- “The Power of Encouragement—Even for Old People” March 10, 2024“But encourage each other every day while it is ‘today.’ Help each other so none of you will become hardened because sin has tricked you.” (Hebrews 3:13, New Century Version) Yesterday, I was walking at a nearby park. There was a large group of young people some of whom were running while other young people […]
- “Endurance” March 10, 2024“For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised.” (Hebrews 10:36, English Standard Version) “Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us […]
- “The Limits of Non-Judgmentalism” February 24, 2024“Matt. 7:1 “Judge not, that you be not judged. Matt. 7:2 For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you.” (Matthew 7:1-2, English Standard Version) This morning, in my virtual 12-step meeting, we discussed the topic of judgmentalism. There were many wise […]
- “Delighting in Being Told What to Do?!?” February 23, 2024“Psa. 112:1 Praise the LORD! Blessed is the man who fears the LORD, who greatly delights in his commandments! 2 His offspring will be mighty in the land; the generation of the upright will be blessed. 3 Wealth and riches are in his house, and his righteousness endures […]
- “Character is the Real Lesson” January 19, 2024I am often confused about what lesson I’m really supposed to be learning. For example, this morning I was trying to knock out several Spanish lessons. My intentions were a lot better than my internet connection. I’ve done three lessons. Or rather, I’ve done two lessons. One of them I did twice because the internet […]
- “The Year of Becoming Un-Planked” January 1, 2024Each year, I try to come up with one word or a short phrase for what I intend to work on in the upcoming year. 2024 is “The Year of Becoming Un-Planked”. What?!! What does that even mean? So glad that you asked! Jesus said to his disciples, “Why do you look at the speck […]
- “Searching for the Noble One” December 26, 2023My wife and I were reading Luke, chapter 2 on Christmas Day. Luke 2 talks about the shepherds being told to look for this very special child—in fact, this King—in a stable. I prefer the word “barn”. I grew up on a farm. I know what a barn is. A stable is entirely too biblical […]
- “That Don’t Impress God Much” December 14, 2023DTEB, “That Don’t Impress God Much” “That Don’t Impress Me Much” (Song by Robert John Lange and Shania Twain) Micah 6:8 (MSG) “But he’s already made it plain how to live, what to do, what God is looking for in men and women. It’s quite simple: Do what is fair and just to your neighbor, be […]
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