Posts Tagged: gratitude
“Reflections on Being Married Fifty Years”
Today my wife and I have been married for fifty years. What on earth has kept us together?!?
Nothing. At least, nothing on earth has kept us together. But there is Heaven and Heaven’s God. Here’s the deal. My wife has been able to be patient with and forgiving of my very real and very serious character defects. I am trying hard to refrain from giving her any further reasons to forgive, but trying hard doesn’t mean that I always get it right. She has been able to be patient and forgiving because she knows a heavenly Father who is patient and forgiving. Easy, no. Possible, yes.
Also, she has had this intuition since we were dating that there is more goodness in me than I sometimes manifest. I’ve begun to suspect that she might be right. There is a verse in the Bible that says that God calls things that don’t exist as if they did—and actually brings those things into existence (Romans 4:17). While the verse originally had Abraham in mind, it seems to me to be capable of broader application. Just as in creation God called order out of chaos and something out of nothing, so God calls things that don’t exist into existence. And often, God uses human beings to do this miraculous thing. For me, Sharon was a miracle and a miracle worker.
Now, have I contributed to the longevity of our marriage as well? I certainly hope so. I can think of at least one thing that I’ve done and continue to do for her. I appreciate her, deeply, genuinely, continually. Hopefully I’ve done more than that. However, even if it were just that, such appreciation would be valuable, I hope. And I think that God is the one who helps me to be thankful for many things and people, but especially the miracle that is Sharon.
So, there it is, my brief principles for a good, long-lasting marriage—patience, forgiveness, seeing goodness in the other person, even when it is difficult, gratitude. It is not a magic formula. It’s way better than magic. It’s a prescription for a miracle.
I love you, sweetheart.
“Not Every Day is Going to be a Ten”
A friend of mine, who is a fellow-addict, often helps me to write these posts. He does a daily report to me. He had a rough day yesterday, but acknowledged in his report, “Not every day is gonna be a 10.”
This is a hard truth that I have to learn and relearn every day of my life. For example, yesterday I broke the terminal post off a new battery I was trying to install on my riding lawn mower. However, I tried something new: I refused to call myself a lot of unflattering and unrepeatable names. We can’t afford to buy another battery right now, but the old battery will still work (at least for now), if I charge it up before I try to start the mower.
My friend stayed sober and did good, healthy things despite his tough day. He also made a gratitude list. It is a never-ceasing wonder to me how many things there are in the universe for which to give thanks. For example, yesterday there was a mixture of sunshine and rain showers. During one of the little showers, I stood outside and just experienced the rain. I looked at the rain on the leaves of our wisteria, the flowers that my wife loves and knows all the names of, the green grass that needed to be mowed. I felt such joy.
My wife saw one of her little hummingbirds a couple of times today. She planted some basil in flowerpots, and it is thriving. She used to air fryer to dry some basil leaves, and the whole house smelled like basil. Nice!
Not every day is going to be a ten, but if we are alive, we get to experience whatever comes our way. Some of those experiences will be profoundly uncomfortable. Occasionally, those experiences will even be tragic. However, the fact is that we get to experience life makes every day worthwhile, even if is a .002 day.
“Betty’s Song”
There is a wonderful lady at our church named Betty. She was one of the first people to make us feel welcomed to the church when my wife and I were very much outsiders. She, along with the pastor’s good sermons, is one of the main reasons we are attending this church.
Betty also invited us to her home group. Often at our home group meetings, she leads us in a song that I had never heard before I heard her sing it. It is a lovely song. Of course, it does not hurt that Betty has an excellent singing voice.
Here are the lyrics:
“In the morning, I thank You for the breath that I have
The new strength, the good hope, Your light on my path
In the morning, I thank You for the life that I have
The blessing, the family, the roof on my head
In the morning, I thank You for everything that I have
Thank You, Lord, thank You
You are kind and good to me
Thank You, Lord, thank You
Thank You for everything that I have
In the evening, I thank You for all the things of this day
The sunshine, the moonshine, they shine on my path
In the evening, I thank You for the love that I have
The blessing is so amazing, it covers my heart
In the evening, I thank You for everything that I have
Thank You, Lord, thank You
You are kind and good to me
Thank You, Lord, thank You
Thank You for everything that I have
Thank You, Lord, thank You
You are kind and good to me
Thank You, Lord, thank You
Thank You for everything that I have
Thank You…”
It is a simple song, as most really good songs are. Giving thanks for the every-day blessings and for the obviously (??) special blessings is a very important thing to do. The two question marks after the word “obviously” are because blessings are not always so obvious. At least, they are not always obvious to me.
A roof over my head is not to be taken for granted. One estimate is that about half-a-million people are homeless in the richest country in the world. I will leave it to you to guess which country this might be. And, of course, there are many countries which have a much higher population of homeless. I say it again: A roof over my head is not to be taken for granted.
Then, there is sunshine and moonshine (not the beverage). This morning, when I took the dog out, there was a cold half-moon gracing the morning. It was so beautiful that it made my heart ache with joy.
God’s love, kindness, and goodness are an eternal source of gratitude. At least, they should be. Family, also, is not to be taken for granted—no matter how irritating or evil they may be at times. (Naturally, I myself am never irritating or evil.)
One final thought is this: I think that the reason Betty is able to be such a welcoming person is that she is so thankful. Gratitude has many wonderful benefits. One of them is that it makes us more welcoming to outsiders. Who knows? Gratitude might even help us to welcome the outsider that is ourselves.
“What We Have, What We Have Been Given, and What We Give”
A 12-step friend quoted a reading from a recovery book that furthered my quest for sanity and wholeness:
“In OA, we measure our wealth not by what we have but by what we have given.
Teach me to give.”
This set me to ruminating, and this post is the fruit of my rumination. I think that one way to look at this is to say that there are three very different approaches to life. People fall into one of these three camps, based on their dominant values.
First, there are the “I-havers”. These folks base their lives on the idea that if they have certain things, their life is good. In a sense, it doesn’t even matter whether they have something or not. They are basing their sense of well-being on what they have—or would like to have. Years ago, I heard a slogan that might encapsulate this philosophy. “The winner is the one who dies with the most toys.” I fear that this group is the largest group. In fact, we probably all fall into it in one way or another, to one degree or another.
The second group might be called the “I-have-been-given-ers”. They are grateful and aware that they did not get whatever they have all by themselves. Even when they are going through tough times, they try to be thankful for the good times. Their philosophy is expressed in the Bible verse that says, “Give thanks in everything” (1 Thessalonians 5:18).
The final group might be labeled the “I-have-to-givers”. I realized only after I thought of this phrase that you can read this label in two different ways. On the one hand, these folks have an inner compulsion to give to others. My wife is like that. She is a servant who never thinks she has done enough.
On the other hand (or also?), the “I-have-to-givers” realize that they have things in order to give. No doubt this helps to fuel their holy compulsion to give. These folks don’t have things in order to heap things up. They have things in order to give things out. Their approach to life might be summed up with the lapidary statement “You only really possess what you give away.”
Now the truth is that we all fall into one of these three groups at times. But the question is this: What is my dominant way of doing life? Perhaps an even better question is this: How will I do life today?
DTEB, “On Being Good to God”
I was journaling this morning. After my gratitude list, I wrote the following:
“I really want to be good to God today. We all want God (or the universe or other people or life) to be good to us. But today I want to be good to God. I’m not sure what that will entail in terms of my being and doings. I just know that I want to be good to you, LORD. Please direct me to the right thoughts, words, and actions to pull this off.”
Now, the problem with speaking to God is that God might get a word or two in edgewise. That is what I think happened this morning. It is difficult not to believe in God when you’ve started the day with a conversation with God. I frequently try to doubt the existence of God, but it is getting harder and harder, and I wonder if it is worth the effort.
Anyway, here is the conversation:
GOD: “Well, my child, I’m glad that you want to be good to me. That is very kind of you! Now, would you like to know how?”
Me: “Yes, indeed I do, LORD! However, remember that I am very much a beginner at this.”
GOD: “I am aware that you are a beginner, child. So, we’ll keep this really simple.
- Treat yourself well. I’m not talking about immediate gratification. That is not treating yourself well. That will destroy you, as you already more than half suspect. But treat yourself truly well. You don’t honor me by unnecessary self-denials. (You can reread Colossians 2:16-23 for further details, if you need them.)
- Treat others well. Be on the lookout for what they need. To the limit of your ability, meet those needs. Be kind. Think the best of people.
- Continue to be grateful to me and to depend on me.”
Me: “That’s it, LORD?! That’s all there is?!”
GOD: “Yep! And that will keep you plenty busy today or any day.”
I hope that you also have a busy and good day, dear reader!
“Being Gratitude”
Here is a prayer that I just prayed by recording it in my journal:
“Today, my God, I am not making a list, but instead I am simply speaking my gratitude to you.
For the coming dawn, I thank you. Thank you for nature in all its convenient and inconvenient manifestations. Thanks for supernature as well. Thank you for all the blessings of life and for the blessing of life, too. Thank you for giving me life and for giving me new life in Christ. Thank you for recovering me from this terrible addiction. Thank you for Sharon and our dog, for children and grandchildren, for extended family, for friends. In short, thanks for everything!
Now, help me to live a life today that reflects my gratitude, a life that is attractive to others, a life that is pleasing to you. Whether that means scholarly work or weeding the flower beds and garden or taking care of my wife who isn’t feeling well, may I enjoy your presence, and may you enjoy my presence.
May I not simply be grateful today, LORD. May I be gratitude.”
I hope that you too, dear reader, will find a way to be grateful today. Even if you’re having a really difficult time, you might find something for which to give thanks if you look hard enough. If nothing else, you can come over to my place and help me weeding the flower beds and garden!
“Not Our Business to Write People Out”
“It is not our business to write people out of our story,” said a friend.
I had just said some kind words about my mother-in-law who died recently. I concluded with, “Even when I came clean about all the wrong I had done, my mother-in-law never wrote me out of the story.” And then my friend came up with this gem of a response: “It is not our business to write people out of our story.”
I believe that this is true. Being written out of someone’s story is very painful, but writing someone else out of our own story is pretty unwise, too.
Don’t get me wrong. There are times when an unrepentant person has done or is doing us great harm. At such times, we may indeed to distance ourselves for our own protection. Such self-protection is wise.
However, writing the person who has hurt us out of our story entirely is not entirely wise. In fact, it may not be possible. The person is part of our story. That profoundly uncomfortable fact can’t be changed.
Let me suggest three positive, healthy ways in which we might think about this matter of refusing to write someone off or out.
First, perhaps we might hold out a hope that the offending person is writing a new script for their life, a script that is better. I am not saying that we should actually believe that they are writing a better story by their thoughts, words, and actions. I am just saying that we should hold on to that hope. That hope may very well also hold us.
Second, perhaps we could write a different part for them in our own story. Maybe we could do a sketch which portrays them not as a villain, but as a very flawed (but potentially decent) person.
Third, those of us who are, or who aspire to be, Christ-followers, need to remember his words about not judging others. Writing people out or off is just another way of speaking of judging them.
One final thought: Maybe I need to choose not to write myself out of the story. And, frankly, I really struggle with that.
My wife and I are estranged from all four of our children. Or, at least, they are estranged from us. The fault is squarely mine. But I refuse to write myself out of the story. That doesn’t mean only that I refuse to take my own life. It means that, but it also means that I stay connected with my children, who are disconnected from me. I don’t contact them, at their request. But they cannot stop me from praying for them, or including them in my daily gratitude lists, or remembering the good times with them. And yes, there were good times, whether they remember them or not.
It is not my business to write myself out of the story either. Neither is it yours.
“The Prayer of a Man Too Busy for Gratitude Lists”
God, is it important for me to actually write down my items of gratitude? Couldn’t I just be grateful? I’m busy! There are so many things I want to do! And some, I really ought to do. I could save time by skipping the list.
But here is the problem as I see it: I think the lists keep me alert during the day for things that invite gratitude. And I definitely need to be aware of the things that make for gratitude. Otherwise, I just become a more selfish, gloomy, despairing person. And I already have way more of those qualities (especially the selfishness) than I need.
So, I guess I know the answer. Don’t like it, but I know it.
GRATITUDE LIST:
- Gratitude lists.
- The ability to do healthy things that I don’t want to do.
- . . .
“Gratitude and an Eye for Detail”
Do you have an eye for detail? I do not. At least, I don’t have such an eye most of the time or in most situations.
My “3-Minute Retreat” from Loyola Publishing challenged me this morning to develop such an eye. (It was a very helpful retreat, which you can access for free at https://www.loyolapress.com/retreats/recibido-con-gratitud-start-retreat/.)
Toward the end of the retreat, the retreat master/writer asked a question: “Is there an aspect of creation that I should look at in more detail today?” It is Thanksgiving Day, so the writer was explicitly connecting looking at things in more detail with giving God thanks.
I had never seen so clearly a connection between gratitude and observing things in detail. And yet, in another sense, that is the way I try to live my life these days. I try to notice those little realities of my daily life and give thanks for them. I don’t always succeed of course, but I do try.
My wife is one of the best people I’ve ever known when it comes to awareness of details. She knows what goes together and what does not. (If I wear clothes that match, you can thank my sweetheart.) Perhaps she was born that way, but I doubt it. She probably had to learn the art of detailed awareness.
While it is rather late in life, perhaps I can learn the art of awareness as well. Today—and every day—I can notice the details of my life and my world. And maybe, just maybe, if I can cultivate such awareness, I can give God a larger fraction of the gratitude that God deserves.
“INNOCENT SUFFERING”
We all wish for the guilty to suffer, and the innocent to be vindicated. And of course all of us are innocent, aren’t we?
But the truth is this: Often the guilty go unpunished.
Or do they?
The guilty have to live with at least one evil person twenty-four hours a day, three-hundred-sixty-five days a year. That person is their own selves. (On leap year, they get an extra day to their sentence.) And while we all sometimes choose to be the guilty person, who really wants to live with one?!
And it also might be asked about how innocent any of us really is?
I realize that this is a terribly unpopular idea, but I still hold to the classic Christian teaching that says that we are all sinners, and that sin is a deadly business for us all.
That does not imply (as it is often thought to imply) that the victim becomes the perpetrator. No! There are the victims, and there are the victimizers. I have been both at different times, and in different situations.
However, I suspect that we all over-rate and over-sell our own innocence.
Still, there are many parts of the Bible that recognize that the innocent suffer through no fault of their own. Psalm 79:3-4, 73:13, and 1 Peter 4:12-19 are just a few of the many verses that acknowledge this uncomfortable truth. In fact, an entire book is devoted to the problem of innocent suffering—the Book of Job.
The teaching of the New Testament is that the truly Innocent One, Jesus, suffered for all the guilty. This is a radical and unpalatable idea. It may or may not be true, but that is what the Bible teaches.
But Jesus also died for the innocent. Apparently, God’s grace and love is so vast that God’s grace and love embrace—that God Himself embraces—all people of all times.
So, if God has embraced the innocent and the guilty, where does that leave us? Should we conclude from this that it doesn’t matter whether we are innocent or guilty in a given situation?
No! Those of us who have been embraced by such a warmly accepting God cannot stay as we were or as we are. Those of us who have come to know that we have been embraced by such love, must acknowledge the fact that we have abused those over whom we held power. We must pray that we will do so no more. We must strive for a godly self-control that will keep us from further devastation.
The Jesus who died for the guilty and the innocent did not die so that the guilty could go on with business as usual. Business as usual is not one of the fruits of such undeserved grace and forgiveness. Gratitude, humility, and transformation of life are the business model of those who have been to the cross of Jesus.
DOWN TO EARTH BELIEVER
- “Even a Sliver of Light” April 9, 2024“For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.” (2 Corinthians 5:6, English Standard Version) I missed the total eclipse yesterday. There were a number of good reasons for this, but […]
- “The Process in Miracles and the Miracle of Process” March 11, 2024“2 Kings 5:1 Naaman, commander of the army of the king of Syria, was a great man with his master and in high favor, because by him the LORD had given victory to Syria. He was a mighty man of valor, but he was a leper. 2 Now the Syrians on one of their raids […]
- “The Power of Encouragement—Even for Old People” March 10, 2024“But encourage each other every day while it is ‘today.’ Help each other so none of you will become hardened because sin has tricked you.” (Hebrews 3:13, New Century Version) Yesterday, I was walking at a nearby park. There was a large group of young people some of whom were running while other young people […]
- “Endurance” March 10, 2024“For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised.” (Hebrews 10:36, English Standard Version) “Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us […]
- “The Limits of Non-Judgmentalism” February 24, 2024“Matt. 7:1 “Judge not, that you be not judged. Matt. 7:2 For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you.” (Matthew 7:1-2, English Standard Version) This morning, in my virtual 12-step meeting, we discussed the topic of judgmentalism. There were many wise […]
- “Delighting in Being Told What to Do?!?” February 23, 2024“Psa. 112:1 Praise the LORD! Blessed is the man who fears the LORD, who greatly delights in his commandments! 2 His offspring will be mighty in the land; the generation of the upright will be blessed. 3 Wealth and riches are in his house, and his righteousness endures […]
- “Character is the Real Lesson” January 19, 2024I am often confused about what lesson I’m really supposed to be learning. For example, this morning I was trying to knock out several Spanish lessons. My intentions were a lot better than my internet connection. I’ve done three lessons. Or rather, I’ve done two lessons. One of them I did twice because the internet […]
- “The Year of Becoming Un-Planked” January 1, 2024Each year, I try to come up with one word or a short phrase for what I intend to work on in the upcoming year. 2024 is “The Year of Becoming Un-Planked”. What?!! What does that even mean? So glad that you asked! Jesus said to his disciples, “Why do you look at the speck […]
- “Searching for the Noble One” December 26, 2023My wife and I were reading Luke, chapter 2 on Christmas Day. Luke 2 talks about the shepherds being told to look for this very special child—in fact, this King—in a stable. I prefer the word “barn”. I grew up on a farm. I know what a barn is. A stable is entirely too biblical […]
- “That Don’t Impress God Much” December 14, 2023DTEB, “That Don’t Impress God Much” “That Don’t Impress Me Much” (Song by Robert John Lange and Shania Twain) Micah 6:8 (MSG) “But he’s already made it plain how to live, what to do, what God is looking for in men and women. It’s quite simple: Do what is fair and just to your neighbor, be […]
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