Posts Tagged: anger
DTEB, “The Uncomfortable Bothness of Anger”
One of my twelve-step friends said very helpful thing to me the other day. “I know that anger is a huge red flag for me. I also know it’s super normal to get frustrated and angry sometimes. All these new spaces are so full of bothness, and it makes them uncomfortable to be in, but in truth, this too is the easier, softer way. This is the path to growth and joy and freedom.”
I love the word “bothness” even though my spell-checker flags it as not being a word. There are a lot of bothnesses in the world. Anger is a red flag, and anger is also super-normal. In fact, I believe that God gave us the gift of anger. Often, good change and growth are fueled by anger. This is true for both individuals and society. Almost every positive change is provoked by being provoked to anger.
But, as is always the case, good things can go horribly bad. The desire to alleviate pain is a good desire. Such desire can lead to positive changes in our diet and exercise. It is also one of the key components of the opioid addiction crisis.
In Ephesians 4:26, Paul says that we are to be angry and yet not sin. Some translations tone down the radical nature of what Paul is saying. “For example, The New Language Bible: The New Berkley Version translates the verse, “When you are angry, commit no sin . . . .”
However, in the original Greek, the word is in the imperative. The King James Version has it right: “Be ye angry, and sin not . . . .” Anger is not just commended; it is commanded!
But Paul, who was more into bothness than many of us are, follows up with the words “. . . and do not sin. Don’t let the sun go down on your wrath.” Anger is so good that it is commanded, but it is so strong that it has a statute of limitations, which is very short indeed.
Instead of either expressing or suppressing our anger, perhaps we need to slow our roll and ask ourselves (and God) some questions.
- Why am I really angry?
- Can I do something positive with this anger?
- If I can do something positive, what is it?
Neither blowing up nor bottling up is the best response to our anger. Recognizing the bothness of anger is exceedingly important. Anger is certainly uncomfortable, but as my friend pointed out, it is indeed “. . . the path to growth and joy and freedom.”
“Canine Potty Habits, Anger and Aristotle”
I do a reading from a twelve-step meditation book for some of my fellow-addicts each morning. Unbeknownst to me, I prepared for the reading by taking the dog out to do her business.
First, I should tell you a bit about our dog. She is several years old and is pretty good about doing her business outside—except when she isn’t. We still put down a pad in the hallway just in case. So, I got up early this morning (5:00 a.m.), put on the coffee, and went downstairs to take our little dog outside. I figured she was good to go (pun initially unintentional) since my wife had taken her out fairly late last night. I was mistaken.
I began to get angry, but I checked myself. “I’m not going to fly into a rage about this,” I told myself. And I didn’t.
I went upstairs, poured my coffee, opened the message app on my phone, brought up my text message group, and opened my twelve-book. Here is the epigraph, a quote from Aristotle, that began the reading:
“It is easy to fly into a passion—anybody can do that—but to be angry with the right person to the right extent and at the right time and with the right object and in the right way—that is not easy, and it is not everyone who can do it.”
Whoa!
The Bible says, “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger;
for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. (James 1:19-20, English Standard Version)
Way too often, I get things all turned around. I am quick to speak and get angry and slow to hear. We talk a lot about “righteous anger”, but how often is our anger actually righteous? Very seldom, I suspect. We don’t handle our anger very well. In fact, we don’t handle it at all. Anger man-handles us.
“On Seeing a Fight over a Parking Space and Missing a Sunset”
“Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end.
~ Proverbs 29:11
A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.
~ Proverbs 19:11
A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
~ Proverbs 15:1
A hot-tempered person stirs up conflict, but the one who is patient calms a quarrel.
~ Proverbs 15:18” (From the site https://naturallivingfamily.com/bible-verses-about-anger/?ad_id=526051405341&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI9O2v24WW9QIVzebjBx3dXgQSEAAYASAAEgI2FvD_BwE, accessed 01-03-2022)
My sweetheart and I went to Siesta Key Beach to watch the sunset yesterday. She saw the sunset. I watched a verbal battle that I hope didn’t turn into physical violence.
We left in plenty of time to see the sunset. Unfortunately, we did not leave in plenty of time to find a parking space. It was Sunday, the end of New Years weekend. Siesta Key Beach is beautiful, and lots of people love to watch the sunset there. Factor in also my tendency to crazy way overestimate what I can do in a little time, and you have a perfect storm of a missed sunset.
We did get to the beach about half-an-hour before sunset. (Well, okay, so maybe it was only twenty minutes before sunset.) After cruising around looking for a place, I told my sweetheart to get out and go watch the sunset. “And take some pictures!” I suggested. I wasn’t aggravated. For me, this was a major step in the right direction. Perhaps every step in the right direction is major.
As I cruised around waiting for someone to leave, an unfortunate and unnecessary drama unfolded. Two different vehicles were trying to pull into the same space at the same time. Fermions cannot occupy the same space at the same time. That’s a law of physics. There is no getting around it.
Guys are especially likely to turn everything into a competition. Competitive parking spaces is a particularly ugly sport. I moved on when the competition was still at the trash-talking stage. I hope that sanity eventually prevailed.
Here is the sobering thought for me: Until quite recently I was chronically irritating myself with non-issues like parking spots. Notice how I worded this. I was “. . . chronically irritating myself with non-issues . . . .” I was irritating myself. It was an inside job. Of course, I also irritated a lot of other people along the way as well.
So, the sun set without me there to see it. And it was lovely. And me? I enjoyed cruising around the parking lot at Siesta Key Beach.
However, next time, I’m going to leave at 10 in the morning. I should be able to find a parking space that way.
“Infectious and Lethal”
No, this is not a post about a deadly pandemic virus. I am speaking about hanging around with people who are prone to fits of anger.
The Bible—as well as common sense and our parents who may have had some common sense after all—tells us that we should be careful who we hang out with. We don’t just come to like our friends; we also become like our friends.
In the Old Testament, it is especially the book of Proverbs that makes this point repeatedly. For example, Prov. 13:20 tells us, “whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.” (English Standard Version)
Proverbs 22:24-25 is even more emphatic.
“24 Make no friendship with a man given to anger,
nor go with a wrathful man,
25 lest you learn his ways
and entangle yourself in a snare.” (English Standard Version)
Commenting on Proverbs 22:25, Bruce K. Waltke writes, “The habits of the hothead are both infectious (verset A) and lethal (verset B).” It is wise to remember that snares are meant to trap and kill animals. Entangling yourself in the snare of anger is means that you are dressing for your own funeral.
Now, this is good advice, but I have a huge problem: I myself am a hothead. How on earth do I avoid hanging around myself? Wherever I go, there I almost always am. I can try to avoid the company of other hotheads, but what do I do when I am the hothead?
The Apostle Paul has some counsel for people like me: Lay your hothead aside! “But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth.” (Colossians 3:8, English Standard Version)
How do you put something away? You just do it. It is not that big a deal. I’ve noticed that, even when I am getting angry—even very angry—I can still choose to be in control. I don’t always, but I can choose that path.
One more thought that some of you my readers will really like, and some will not like at all. Avoid the internet and the 24/7 news programs as much as possible. Many internet sites (as well as some of the news services) have a lot of really good and helpful things, but there is also a lot of vitriol. I have discovered that I do not cease to be if I don’t click on political discussions.
“Contagious Compassion”
Tuesday, February 26, 2019
I read a wonderful transcript yesterday on the NPR website. It was a story about anger, and how contagious it is. It was also a story about contagious compassion. (You can read and/or listen to the story at https://wysu.org/content/npr/anger-can-be-contagious-heres-how-stop-spread, accessed 02-26-2019.)
It seems that a gentleman by the name of Michael Beatty was angry with a comedian/actor named Patton Oswalt. It seems that Oswalt had tweeted something negative about President Trump. So, Beatty sent two harsh tweets to and about Oswalt.
Oswalt joked back with Beatty, but Oswalt did something else: He scrolled through Beatty’s twitter feed. Oswalt found out that Beatty had some heavy-duty medical bills. So, Oswalt sent a check for $2,000 to Beatty’s GoFundMe campaign, and encouraged his followers to do the same.
It isn’t just that people sent money or encouraging notes to Beatty. This whole incident caused him to take a hard look at himself. That was good and helpful. But something else happened as well. Beatty says that is becoming a better, less angry person.
I think that I became a slightly better person, just by reading the transcript. Like Mr. Beatty, I sometimes am a very angry person. Like Mr. Beatty, I frequently smart off. Like Mr. Beatty, I am touched and humbled and changed by the generosity of others.
The Bible speaks of overcoming evil with good. It speaks of doing good, even to those who have done us evil. It says that we are to bless those who curse us. You can google it to find out the references. I assure you, these things really are in the Bible.
But the question that often feels like a splinter in my mind is this: Do I in fact practice these virtues? Yes, I know that these things are in the Bible, but are they in me? Am I overcoming evil with good? Do I do good to others, no matter what? Do I bless even those who curse me?
And the answer is, yes, I do . . . sometimes. Sometimes needs to become more often than not. Indeed, I hope that at some point, in time or in eternity, contagious compassion will consume me. Only when it does will I be truly alive and truly myself.
“SECOND CHANCES FOR DOGS AND OTHER CRITTERS”
I don’t suppose that this comes as a total surprise, but I am not always a good person. I’m a much better man than I used to be, but sometimes the old me makes an appearance.
So, last night I lost my temper with our one-year-old-still-a-chewy-puppy. Why?
There was one “reason” in the puppy’s behavior, and a whole raft of (non) “reasons” in me. The dog chewed up some things, most notably an insert from my wife’s shoe.
What about the (non)reasons in me? I was mad at myself because I hadn’t closed and latched the bedroom door when I was putting the sheets on the bed, which had allowed her puppyhood in. I was angry because I had eaten a whole bunch of sweets. I was angry because . . ., oh, who knows why I was angry! I was just plain angry!
Now, of course dogs—especially puppies—do chew things up. It’s what they do. However, this seemed a little more important to me because we are planning to visit friends in West Virginia in a few days. I don’t want Laylah chewing our hosts out of house and home.
So, after I had smacked Laylah on the nose (not hard enough to make her yelp, thank God!), I put the dog in the crate for a little while, stormed into the living room, where my wife was watching “The Voice,” and announced, in no uncertain terms that Laylah was not going with us. We would either leave her in the kennel, or we just wouldn’t go!
Then I stormed back to my desk to read a book about how to understand the Bible better.
After I had calmed down a bit, I let Laylah out of the crate, and she scooted into the living room and jumped up on the recliner to be with my wife, to be with someone who loves her.
Later, on my way upstairs, I had to pass through the living room. This ended up taking a bit longer than I had thought it would. From the recliner, two sets of eyes were looking at me with a heart-melting mixture of accusation and the desire for mercy. Laylah didn’t say much, but my wife said, “Everybody deserves a second chance.”
And, of course, she was right. How many chances has my sweetheart given me? I’ve lost track, but it’s a lot. Laylah is going with us.
Do you need a second chance? Or, perhaps, a 2,000,000th chance?
Well, join the club! It’s a very large one, but there is room for you. If there’s room for Laylah and me, there’s room for anyone.
“Of Anger, Being Late, Dreams, and Faith”
I had a dream in which I was very angry. This guy whom I thought my wife and I were helping out (for free, no less) yelled at us—after we had helped him—for not being on time. We were supposed to be there at 4:30, and we had shown up at 3:08. When I asked the man about those times, he repeated those times, and then I repeated those times, but he still didn’t realize how irrational and unfair his fear was. I was furious.
Waking up furious is not a good thing.
However, I have a lovely painted rock on my desk that says, “Just Breathe.” Right.
A friend of mine who is a psychologist said to me one time that some psychologists think that all of the characters in a dream are different parts of ourselves. Certainly, I have an angry, irrational self. In fact, I am often angry with myself for being such an angry self! And I most certainly struggle with being on time.
So, after my unsettling dream, I get out of bed, go to the bathroom, put on the coffee, and make my bed. I open my You Version app on my phone. The verse for today is Proverbs 1:7: “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge: but fools despise wisdom and instruction.” I could definitely use some wisdom (and instruction) when it comes to managing my anger and being on time.
My 3-minute retreat from the Jesuits had a meditation that was based on Romans 5:1: “Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.” I looked at this verse in the Greek. The verb “we have” is a present tense, which suggests an ongoing reality. We continually have peace through our faith in Jesus Christ.
So, why don’t I have continual peace, even when I’m asleep? It is probably because I don’t really believe, deeply enough, that Jesus has got this, whatever “this” may be.
Of course, I take some consolation from the fact that Paul writes Romans 5:1 to people who are already believers. Why did he need to do that? Likely because they were so prone to forget it! And so am I.
So, I enter my sixth day in a row with a conscious sense that God and I will go through this day together. However, I also enter the day with the awareness that I am prone to be angry and late.
In a little while, I will be playing softball in the senior league that I’m in. Getting angry is definitely possible. We may be a bunch of old guys, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t get as angry with ourselves or others as a bunch of twelve-year-olds.
But I’ve been forewarned.
I think this journal entry has become today’s blog post, so I need to take care of posting it. Otherwise, I might be late for my pre-game warm-up routine! And that would make me angry!
DOWN TO EARTH BELIEVER
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