“Of Anger, Being Late, Dreams, and Faith”
I had a dream in which I was very angry. This guy whom I thought my wife and I were helping out (for free, no less) yelled at us—after we had helped him—for not being on time. We were supposed to be there at 4:30, and we had shown up at 3:08. When I asked the man about those times, he repeated those times, and then I repeated those times, but he still didn’t realize how irrational and unfair his fear was. I was furious.
Waking up furious is not a good thing.
However, I have a lovely painted rock on my desk that says, “Just Breathe.” Right.
A friend of mine who is a psychologist said to me one time that some psychologists think that all of the characters in a dream are different parts of ourselves. Certainly, I have an angry, irrational self. In fact, I am often angry with myself for being such an angry self! And I most certainly struggle with being on time.
So, after my unsettling dream, I get out of bed, go to the bathroom, put on the coffee, and make my bed. I open my You Version app on my phone. The verse for today is Proverbs 1:7: “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge: but fools despise wisdom and instruction.” I could definitely use some wisdom (and instruction) when it comes to managing my anger and being on time.
My 3-minute retreat from the Jesuits had a meditation that was based on Romans 5:1: “Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.” I looked at this verse in the Greek. The verb “we have” is a present tense, which suggests an ongoing reality. We continually have peace through our faith in Jesus Christ.
So, why don’t I have continual peace, even when I’m asleep? It is probably because I don’t really believe, deeply enough, that Jesus has got this, whatever “this” may be.
Of course, I take some consolation from the fact that Paul writes Romans 5:1 to people who are already believers. Why did he need to do that? Likely because they were so prone to forget it! And so am I.
So, I enter my sixth day in a row with a conscious sense that God and I will go through this day together. However, I also enter the day with the awareness that I am prone to be angry and late.
In a little while, I will be playing softball in the senior league that I’m in. Getting angry is definitely possible. We may be a bunch of old guys, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t get as angry with ourselves or others as a bunch of twelve-year-olds.
But I’ve been forewarned.
I think this journal entry has become today’s blog post, so I need to take care of posting it. Otherwise, I might be late for my pre-game warm-up routine! And that would make me angry!
“AN UNHANDLED EXCEPTION”
“We’re sorry! We have encountered an unhandled exception.”
Have you ever had this message (or something similar) pop up on your computer? I have. I’m not sure precisely what it means, but I do know that it indicates that something has gone wrong.
I was listening yesterday to a song by Ryan Stevenson, called “No Matter What”. Here are the lyrics.
“A lot of us grew up believing
At any moment we could lose it all
And at the drop of a hat
God might turn His back and move on
A lot of us feel like we blew it
Thinking that we’re just too far gone
But I want you to know
There’s still a hope for you now
[Chorus 1]
No matter what you’ve done
You can’t erase His love
Nothing can change it
You’re not separated
No matter what
[Verse 2]
There’s never been a better time to get honest
There’s never been a better time to get clean
So come as you are
Run to the cross and be free
Oh, be free
[Chorus 2]
No matter what you’ve done
You can’t erase His love
Nothing can change it
You’re not separated
No matter where you run
He’s always holding on
You’re still a daughter, You’re still a son
No matter what
[Bridge]
Don’t know what you’ve been taught
Don’t know what you’ve been told
All I know is my God
Will never let go of you, no-o-o-ooo
And I don’t know what you’ve seen
Don’t know what you’ve been through
All I know is my God
Will never let go of you
He’ll never let go!
He’ll never, never, never let you go
[Chorus 2]
No matter what you’ve done
You can’t erase His love
Nothing can change it
You’re not separated
No matter where you run
He’s always holding on
You’re still a daughter, You’re still a son
No matter what
[Outro]
You’re still a daughter, You’re still a son!…
No matter what.”
After hearing this song, it suddenly occurred to me that I had believed this for a long time—with one “unhandled exception.” I didn’t believe it for my own self. I was the unhandled exception.
Why should I believe that I am so exceptional? I don’t know. I really don’t. Yes, I am unique; and so are you. But exceptional? Not so much!
The Apostle Paul, before he was the Apostle Paul, was known as Saul. He persecuted the church, casting his vote for death against anyone who named the name of Christ. In fact, he was on his way to Damascus to arrest Christ-followers there. On the way to Damascus, a very crazy-way-more-than-awkward thing happened: He was confronted in a vision with the risen Christ. “Saul, Saul!” cried a voice from Heaven. “Why are you persecuting me?” The “me” turned out to be Jesus Christ. It was “a blinding revelation” in every sense of that expression.
Saul/Paul never got over what a screw-up he was. Near the end of his life, Paul wrote these words:
“15 This is a trustworthy saying, and everyone should accept it: ‘Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners’– and I am the worst of them all.”
Paul knew that he was exceptional—exceptionally evil! Interestingly, even though he is now a Christ-follower, an evangelist, a church planter, he still says that he “is” the worst of sinners. It is in the present tense in Greek. He is still very much aware of his exceptional condition as a sinner. A saved sinner? Yes! But still a sinner, and the worst of the lot.
But then, Paul goes on to say,
“16 But God had mercy on me so that Christ Jesus could use me as a prime example of his great patience with even the worst sinners. Then others will realize that they, too, can believe in him and receive eternal life.”
Paul thought of himself as an exceptionally difficult case. However, Paul also thought of himself as an exceptionally wonderful example of God’s mercy. Paul is saying here, “If God can have mercy on me and save me, he can save anybody! There are no unhandled exceptions!”
And so, Paul ends with praise:
17 “All honor and glory to God forever and ever! He is the eternal King, the unseen one who never dies; he alone is God. Amen.”
Here is the heart of the matter: I am exceptionally evil, and probably, so are you! However, there is an exceptional God with an exceptional Son, and there are no unhandled exceptions for them.
“Traveler in the Dark”
The following is from Wordsmith.org.
A THOUGHT FOR TODAY:
“Writing is like driving a car at night. You can only see as far as the headlights, but you make the whole trip that way.” -Cory Doctorow, author and journalist (b. 17 Jul 1971).
“Too often, I just want to sit in the car, and pretend I’m going somewhere. You don’t even have to turn on the headlights or start the engine, if you do that!” (DTEB)
I think that what Doctorow’s vivid comment means is that writers don’t see very far ahead. They travel in the dark, the length of their headlights, until they reach their destination.
This is one of my problems as a writer. I want to know how the story ends before I begin. And when I don’t know, I just sit in the car, and make engine noises.
It is not just in writing that I do this. I have a tendency to do it in every area of my life. I nearly let my sweetheart get away without marrying her. Why? I didn’t know how the story would end. (After nearly forty-five years, it hasn’t ended, but I like the way the story is unfolding a lot!) It may be safer to sit in the car and pretend to be going somewhere, but it is lonely. Ultimately, it isn’t much fun, either.
I nearly stayed in a horrible, debilitating addiction. Why? I didn’t know how the story would end. I was afraid to divulge all my secrets, afraid that exposure of these secrets really would be the end of my story. It turned out to be the beginning of a whole new story, which I like so much better than the old one.
I nearly failed to get my Ph.D. Why? I didn’t know how the story would end. I preferred just sitting in the car, pretending that I could have gotten my Ph.D. What a frustratingly wonderful trip I would have missed if I had not decided to turn on the engine and lights, and put the car in gear!
On and on it goes.
We are not all of us writers, but we all are writing our life stories. We do it with our thoughts, our attitudes, our words. Above all, we do with our actions.
We were not made to sit in the car, and say, “Varummm! Varummm!” The darkness is real, and the road is difficult. But we do have headlights.
And, as Dan Fogelberg said in his song “Nexus,”
“Blessed the traveler
Who journeys the length of the light.”
“LIVE LONG AND PROSPER”
My father-in-law was very fond of the Star Trek T.V. shows—with the exception of those shows that featured the character “Q”. (I suspect that Dad thought that Q was both too much and too little like God, although I don’t think I ever asked him why he felt the way he did. I wish that I had now.)
One of the most famous repeated lines in Star Trek is “Live long and prosper.” I’m not a trekkie, but even I know this line.
But from where does this greeting come?
Those words likely came from Deuteronomy 5:33. The whole of vs. 33, along with the preceding verse, is as follows:
“32 So Moses told the people, ‘You must be careful to obey all the commands of the LORD your God, following his instructions in every detail.
33 Stay on the path that the LORD your God has commanded you to follow. Then you will live long and prosperous lives in the land you are about to enter and occupy.’ ” (New Living Translation)
“Live long and prosper!” is a good wish, but perhaps the obedience part matters as well. I have a tendency to want to live long and prosper, but not necessarily to obey. (You probably don’t struggle with that, but I most certainly do!)
Why is it so difficult to obey? I’m afraid that I know, and sometimes, wish I didn’t know.
I don’t obey because I want to have my own way. No, I know that, in the long run, God’s way is best. But I don’t want the long run; I want what I want right now!
I knew a lady who described herself as “Little-Miss-Gotta-Have-It-Right-Now.” Change the Miss to Mister in my case, and you can’t miss!
However, it isn’t just the immediate gratification thing. It also this: My way is my way, and that’s what I want. I struggle with a spirit of rebellion, which I try to baptize and rename “a spirit of independence.” However, you can baptize a rat, but it’s still a rat.
But I do have my better moments, moments when I realize that obedience is in my own best interest. There are moments—and I am having more of them, thanks to the 12-step recovery program and thanks to 12-step friends—when I obey God with a good and glad heart.
There are times when I can say, with the psalmist, “I take joy in doing your will, my God, for your instructions are written on my heart” (Psalm 40:8).
May those times increase for you and me and all of us! Then we can, with complete confidence, pronounce the blessing on one another, “Live long and PROSPER!“
“The Courage to Face Our Strengths”
Many of us have a hard time facing our weaknesses and failures. I do too. Some of us have an even harder time facing our strengths. Here is a blog that may help you to face up to your strengths. It most certainly helped me!
This post is a very slightly edited e mail exchange that helped to kick-start my day. G. is a friend from my 12-step group, and is one of the most interesting, sharp, and encouraging people I know.
I have edited the exchange in order to respect the anonymity of both G. and me. I am the “D.” in the exchange. His e mail to me comes first. My reply to G. follows.
“Dear D.
I spent half of this last year faking it, hoping to make it. I prayed, I surrendered to God, I listened for God. It took that time just to start hearing something from Him. Eventually I realized He was talking to me all along. I just didn’t see how.
One of the ways I figured it out was watching and listening to you. You understand God as well as any person I know. Your ability to tell us things that God is saying is amazing.
Now you say that you are not good at talking with God. That doesn’t exactly make a novice like me see any hope. You just don’t see it.
I watch you talk about your wife, and I see God speaking in both of you. I watch that because watching you as you think about her tells me all I need to know. I listen and watch you talk about bible verses and I see a man who is connecting to God and the prophets.
So once again you are reducing the positive effects of you thoughts by diminishing yourself. As Bob Newhart said: “STOP IT”. Look it up if you don’t know.
You are a better man than that. The only problem is, I don’t know if you’ll ever see how much God loves you until you let Him tell you and you believe it. We may be a bunch of addicts, but everyone in SLAA (except for a couple) Knows you’re a good person, a smart person, a loving person, in touch with God, and a great friend.
So right now, stand up, look to heaven, and say to God: You made me a good person, I know I’m a good person, and I’m going to show myself I am and listen to You whenever You tell me something.) Then relax and clear your mind. That warm fuzzy feeling is God talking to you. Even I know that.
If you show this to your wife (that’s fine), now is when she can kick your butt for me. You said to call you out. I hope you weren’t kidding.
Your Friend
G.
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“Spending the Day With God”
I make gratitude lists most days, usually in the early morning. I often give thanks for the same things and people. But today, I included something I had never listed before, as far as I know. It was this: “I am grateful for getting to spend the day with God.”
I thought to myself, what would that look like? Then, I thought, maybe it would be like spending the day with my sweetheart, my wife. We would enjoy whatever we were doing together.
So, I made up my mind that I was going to be on the lookout for things for God and me to enjoy. On my way to meet my friend who carts me to my twelve-step meetings, I stopped by the park to hit some softballs off the tee. The sun wasn’t up yet. There were a few purple, pink, and grey clouds in the sky, and the field was draped in a lovely grey fog. “Well done!” I said to God. I even hit the softballs pretty well. (Whether this transfers to my actual hitting in a game remains to be seen.)
Then I changed socks and shoes, and headed to Planet Fitness to meet my friend to go to the twelve-step meetings. I was a bit early and he was a bit late. In fact, we were both right on time.
I went to the necessary room at P.F., and then walked outside to wait for my ride. He wasn’t there yet, so I decided to walk around in the parking lot, looking for change. God and I didn’t find any change, but we did find a wonderful treasure—an important conversation and a wonderful story.
“Did you lose something?” asked a lady who was sitting in her vehicle.
“No,” I replied. “I’m just looking for change. I’m afraid that I am a terrible cheapskate.”
“Oh, I look for change too!” she continued. “In fact, I’m a Christian . . .” she began.
“Me too!” I exclaimed, interrupting her.
“I don’t think this a chance meeting,” she said. “Well, as I was saying, I’m a Christian, and one time I was praying to God about some bills that I simply couldn’t pay. Right after I prayed, I walked out to get in my car to go somewhere, and noticed a fast food bag that had been thrown out in my neighbor’s yard. I felt prompted to go over and pick it up to throw it away. But then, I felt prompted to look inside. I didn’t want to do that. I mean, who wants to see someone’s else’s yucky remnants of food? When I looked in the bag, there was a big wad of money, enough to pay my bills.”
Our conversation swirled on to other things, and then she admitted, rather sadly, “I’m afraid that I’m not as close to God as I used to be. And I want to get back close to Him again.”
I ventured, “Well, do you go to church anywhere regularly?”
“No, I don’t,” she replied.
“There are a lot of good ones around,” I said. “Crossroads meets right in this area. I go to the Crossing, and it is a really good church. It bills itself as “a messed up church, for messed up people, with a messed up ministry staff, that exists to introduce people to the One who can clean up their messes.”
“It sounds like my kind of church!” she exclaimed.
I left her with a prayer.
Spending the day with God sure is fun! Maybe it is even more than spending the day with God. Perhaps it is an investment. And even more than fun, it brings joy.
“The Long War”
I met him in a church basement, a few days into my service in The Long War. He was old and grizzled and his face was scarred from many a wound. He was drinking his coffee black, no sugar.
“Come sit down, young soldier,” he growled, somewhere between an invitation and an order.
I sat.
He looked me up and down. We sat in silence. His eyes came to rest on my eyes, looking not so much at, as through. Finally, his voice cut through the silence.
“So, you are new to The Resistance, I see.”
I nodded.
“No scars yet. Don’t worry, son, you’ll have plenty before they dump you in a grave. Likely as not, it’ll be unmarked, and no one will weep.”
He leaned toward me, but his gaze was fixed on my soul still. “Would you like some advice? Who knows? It might keep you out of the grave for a little while.”
I nodded. I was in way over my head, and I knew it. What was I thinking when I decided to rebel? Or was I thinking? But here I was—cold, and lonely, and scared, wondering how long it would be before I was as old and beat up as this warrior.
“I’m only thirty-two,” he said, apparently reading what I had been thinking. What might have passed for a smile faded from his face before it could be positively identified. “Still, I was young not so long ago, like you. And I thought the war would be over by now. I know better now. I know now why they call this “The Long War”.
He sat back, and took a sip of his coffee, and grimaced. “Some fool has let my coffee get cold,” he said. He drank the rest of his coffee in two gulps, and sat the cup down on the table, none too gently.
“And now for the advice,” he said.
“The enemy don’t give a damn about fightin’ fair. The enemy don’t care whether it kills you by night or by day. And the enemy don’t sleep.
“You’ll be alone, and the enemy will stick a knife in your back, or you’ll be with your comrades, and the enemy will pick you out and pick you off.
“Nine times out of ten, you won’t even see the enemy, but rest assured, the enemy is still there.
“You could surrender, you know. You’ll want to do that a thousand times. But remember that the enemy takes no prisoners, except to torture and use for propaganda. And, of course, the enemy will kill you in the end, anyway.
“There will be times when you’ll think it would be best to end it all yourself, choose your own time, your own method. But then you’ll remember that there might be someone who loves you, and that you are part of the Resistance, and you’ll fight on, even when you don’t feel like it, even when you want to die.
“The enemy will turn your family against you, friends will desert you, and you’ll be called a terrorist by people who don’t even want to admit there’s a war. But there’s a war alright. And you’re a soldier now, and you are the battlefield. And remember one thing more.”
Here, he paused to make sure I was with him, and not merely thinking about how to escape this basement, this man, this reality. When he was sure that I was captured, he said,
“And one thing more, you must never forget: You are also the enemy!”
He pushed his chair back from the table to get another cup of coffee.
“And you are also the enemy!”
“Also the enemy!”
“Also the enemy!”
I stumbled out the door to face the darkness, to face the enemy, to face my addiction.
But not alone! Not alone!
“Of Fathers Day and Regrets”
Sunday, June 17, 2018
Father’s Day: Oh God, how I hate this day!
It is not that I hated my children or being a father. But I hate the kind of father I was.
Of course, I helped to give them life and I helped keep them alive. However, even there, my wife did all the heavy lifting. I could have been, should have been, so much more.
Today, I sent my 12-step affirmation to my friend Will. It goes like this:
Today, by God’s grace, I am celebrating the memory of my own earthly father, the “fatherhood” of all who have mentored me over the years, and God’s perfect fatherliness. I am also encouraging other fathers today.
It is easy to say, but difficult to stay with these things. Regret is easy—and deadly. I am eaten up with regrets.
Will even Heaven heal me?
. . .
And the answer is a resounding “YES!” I went for an early morning bike ride in my community just as the sun was coming up. Several things occurred to me.
One was that regrets are absolutely useless. They accomplish precisely nothing. Less than nothing! They sap my energy, and keep me from living a loving life. Jesus cursed a fig tree that wasn’t producing any figs. Apparently, uselessness is not the sort of thing that Jesus was willing to put up with. Needing forgiveness? Yes, Jesus could handle that! Uselessness? No!
Regrets are also dangerous. As I was riding my bike, I thought to myself that regrets were a lot like looking back while riding a bike. So, I tried an experiment. While continuing to ride my bike, I looked back for a few seconds . . . and almost ran into a parked car.
Finally, regrets dishonor God. Do I really think that God can’t forgive me? The Old Testament indicates that God can and does. The New Testament demonstrates this at the cross. My regrets are, in fact, a form of atheism.
Then, I got ready and went to church. The pastor talked about consumerism (he is against it), versus having “enough” (which he is for). It was a good sermon, but the very last thing he said was what nailed me and, at the same moment, set me free. He was talking about 4 things we could do in order to know that we had enough.
- We need to realize that the secret to contentment is Jesus.
- We need to stop looking around and start looking up.
- We need to focus more on the “Do’s” than the “Don’ts”.
- We need to stop living in the Shoulda-Coulda-Woudas.
I realized that I had been living with regrets all my life, and that it was time to kick them out and change the locks. This has been done.
Of course, I have no illusions. Regrets will try to sneak back in again. However, I’ve decided that whenever they do, I’ll let Jesus answer the door. He’ll know how to handle such intruders. Who needs a 38, when you got Jesus?!
“OF SECOND CHANCES AND SOUL FAMINE”
“ ‘The time is surely coming,’ says the Sovereign LORD, ‘when I will send a famine on the land— not a famine of bread or water but of hearing the words of the LORD.
People will stagger from sea to sea and wander from border to border searching for the word of the LORD, but they will not find it.
Beautiful girls and strong young men will grow faint in that day, thirsting for the LORD’s word.’ ” (Amos 8:11-13a,italics mine, New Living Translation)
My father-in-law was one of the wisest, humblest, most godly men I’ve ever known. His daughter, my wife, is much like him. But it was almost not so for my father-in-law. He almost missed it.
“I did not feel the call of the Holy Spirit as strongly the second night. It scared me so badly that I went forward to the alter, confessed my sins, and prayed to receive Christ into my heart and life.”
My father-in-law was explaining how he came to faith in Jesus Christ. He was a teen-ager, and brought up in church, but he was at the point of deciding whether to accept or reject what he had been taught by his parents.
He was at a revival meeting. He felt the power of the Holy Spirit, convincing him that he was a sinner, that he needed a savior, and that Jesus Christ was that Savior. My father-in-law said, ‘I felt strong hands on my shoulders, and looked around to see who was touching me. No one was. Well, no one I could see. But I didn’t go to the altar. I didn’t pray. I didn’t trust Christ. I went home miserable.
“The next night, I went back to revival meetings, still miserable. When they gave the invitation, I felt the hands on my shoulders again. But this time, they weren’t as strong. I realized I was becoming hardened to the call of God in my life. It scared me so badly that I went forward to the alter, confessed my sins, and prayed to receive Christ into my heart and life.”
We all need second chances. Thank God, many of us get them. I myself have gotten so many more “second chances” than just two!
However, while many of us get them, no one is guaranteed even one second chance. Life is dynamic, and can turn on a dime.
The ancient kingdom of Israel, comprised of the 10 northern tribes which had broken away from Judah, were given a chance to repent. God sent Amos (a Judahite) to cry out against the Northern Kingdom of Israel. He did. However, they would not listen. The king and the priests were in cahoots, and did not want to hear that they needed to repent. After all, they were the leaders! Who did this upstart, foreign “prophet” (who didn’t even claim to be a prophet, according to Amos 7:14) think he was, anyway!
Amos did not just speak God’s Word. He also warned that there would come a time when people would search for the Word of God, would thirst for it, and yet not find it. Presuming on a second chance means that we have not taken our first chance seriously. Presuming on a second chance may well mean that we won’t get one. There may well come a time when (in the words of Billy Joel), “She’ll ask for the truth, but she’ll never believe you.”
Am I using “scare tactics”?
Yes, I am!
But I believe that there are some things we really should be afraid of—afraid enough to allow God to change us. Why should we be dying of thirst, when there is the river of life available to us all?
Why indeed!
“PROPHETS AND PREDICTORS”
I am currently teaching a class on biblical prophets, especially, the Old Testament prophets. One of the most difficult things for my students to wrap their mind around is the idea that the prophets are not primarily predictors of the distant future.
Notice that I said that they are “. . . not primarily predictors . . . .” I do believe that the prophets could and did predict the future. However, I do not believe that this was their main task.
Well then, what was their main task?
I suspect that the main task of the prophet was to call God’s people back to their main tasks: to trust and obey God, which involved God’s people cultivating personal integrity and a fair society.
One of the things that the prophets especially emphasized was the need to take good care of the weakest members of their society: widows, orphans, foreigners, the poor. Those who just looked after themselves were the targets of some of the prophets’ sternest condemnations.
And yet, all of these things—trust, obedience, personal integrity, and a fair society that takes care of those on the margin—are connected. Without trust in God, obedience, integrity, and fairness are difficult to pull off. Believe me, I’ve tried it without God!
I have to admit that there are certainly some atheists who are better at integrity and fairness than many who at least say they believe in God. Granted.
However, if there is a God who is good and wise and powerful, it might be more effective to involve that God in our striving for personal integrity and a fair society.
Now, let me bring this brief blog full circle. The prophets did predict the future. However, it was not primarily the distant future. Rather, they predicted the immediate future. And the prophets contended that God was very much involved in this immediate future. With God, the future of God’s people, and indeed all the people of the world, would be good. Without God, bad things were coming.
That’s a pretty simple prediction, isn’t it? Well, the prophets weren’t generally into being subtle. They were generally into Truth.
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