“Pride, Perfectionism, and Addiction”
I’ve struggled with perfectionism all my life. And I’ve always known that I am far from perfect. So, because of my (perceived) honesty, I’ve always thought that I at least had a shot at the little known (and less esteemed) virtue that goes by the name “humility.”
Of course, thinking that you are perfect is pride. But it struck me this morning—in a blinding flash of the obvious—that even wanting to be perfect is pride. And pride, according to the Bible, is not simply recognizing that we have accomplished something good. Pride is pretending that our good is a whole lot better than it is. As such, pride is evil. So wanting to be perfect is not a workable idea.
Furthermore, at least in my case, want-to-be perfection is one component of my addictive personality. Desiring a perfection that can never be, creates tremendous soul dissonance. I cannot tolerate that for long, so I create an escape hatch for my perfectionism. What would feel good to me? What would kill the pain, or at least deaden it?
Voila! Addiction! An escape from reality that proves to be even worse than the reality itself.
What is the antidote to this unholy trinity of perfectionism, pride, and addiction? Perhaps facing the reality of my never-going-to-be-enough-ness might help. At least, I’m never going to be enough if “enough” means being perfect.
I was listening to Psalm 119 on the You Version app this morning. The psalmist praises God and his Torah for 175 verses. There are words of mourning, too, and words that encourage himself and his hearers to follow God’s instruction.
But then comes the last verse, verse 176:
“I have gone astray like a lost sheep; seek your servant,
for I do not forget your commandments.”
(Psalm 119:176 The Holy Bible, English Standard Version, https://accordance.bible/link/read/ESVS#Psa._119:176.)
Sometimes, that is the best I can do. I’ve wandered away. Come and seek me! I haven’t entirely forgotten your commandments.
“For Each, Every, and All”
10 And the angel said to them, “Fear not, for behold, I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. 11 For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord.” (Luke 2:10–11 The Holy Bible, English Standard Version
https://accordance.bible/link/read/ESVS#Ex._12:16)
In verse 10, the angel says to the shepherds—and to us—that Jesus, the Christ child, is given to all the people. But in verse 11, the angel gets a little more personal, and says that Jesus is born “to/for you”.
I like the universal aspect of Jesus’ birth. It’s good to know that Jesus is good news for all the people. But even more, I love the personal touch: “for you”. Yes! Jesus is very generic. He is also very special to each of us in unique ways. Both aspects of the Savior are incredibly precious.
Merry Christmas!
“THE BLAME GAME OR THE CHANGE GAME?”
Tired of playing the blame game? Me too! Here is part of one of my 12-step readings for today:
“We do not continue to berate ourselves for having this illness, or consider ourselves physically, morally, or spiritually inferior for having contracted it. Blaming ourselves is as useless as blaming someone else. We accept the fact that through no one’s fault we have the disease of compulsive overeating. Then we get on with the business of learning to control this illness with the help of our Higher Power and the OA program.
I blame no one for my illness.” (From Food for Thought: Daily Meditations for Overeaters by Elisabeth L. ©1980, 1992 by Hazelden Foundation.)
We now live in an internet world in which we can name, and blame and shame to our heart’s content—or perhaps to our heart’s discontent. As an antidote to our previous tendency in spiritual housekeeping (which was the tendency to sweep serious dirt under the rug), this tendency may be both helpful and appropriate.
However, as a long-term solution, naming and blaming and shaming have a serious problem. They do not work. And a solution that doesn’t work is not really a solution, is it?
Naming, blaming, and shaming other people keeps us focused on people we don’t even like. Even worse, it is overwhelmingly likely that we will become like those people that we don’t like. We may even become as hateful as the people we hate.
And naming ourselves with hateful names, and blaming, and shaming ourselves has the same result.
Naming, blaming, and shaming is an easy game to play, but it doesn’t change me. So, it is a game that is set up so that everyone loses.
Instead of the unholy trinity of naming, shaming, and blaming, how about playing a different game entirely? What about playing a much harder game called “the Change Game”? It is a much harder game to play. But it also a lot more fun in the long run.
“None of Your Business! Loving the Unfinished Parts of Me”
My oldest brother had a saying for everything. If someone asked a question that was too personal, my brother would say, “That comes under “Nunya.”
Usually, the prying questioner would ask, “What’s ‘Nunya’?”
My brother would reply, “Nunya business!” (He usually added one or more spicy adjectives, but you get the picture.)
Today, in one of my twelve-step readings, I was encouraged to love the unfinished parts of me. I don’t do that well, so it was a good reminder.
However, since I don’t like dealing with what I need to do in the present moment, I decided to ask a theoretical question: “Even in eternity, in Heaven, will I still be unfinished?”
And immediately, from somewhere outside of me (or someone outside of me?) came the non-answer to my unwise question. “That is none of your business! Get busy loving your unfinished parts right now!”
Loving the unfinished parts of me doesn’t mean that I don’t keep letting God work on them. It doesn’t mean that I don’t work on them myself. Quite the contrary! It is precisely when I am loving the parts of me that aren’t all together that I am able to work and allow God to work in my life.
Loving the unfinished bits of me—and they are often not bits of me, but large swaths of me—is another way of speaking of loving the process. Years ago, a very dear friend who is a good golfer observed me make a horrible swing, but get a lucky bounce with a good result. He said something to the effect that it was a good shot, provided that I was more interested in product than in process. That was a fair and helpful comment in golf and in life.
So, what are your unfinished parts? Do you love them?
God does, so don’t ask questions that come under the heading of “Nunya!” Get busy loving!
“The Hardest Someone to Forgive”
Here is part of a 12-step reading from Hazelden Publishing:
“Forgiveness should be an ongoing process. Attention to it
daily will ease our relationships with others and encourage greater self-love.
First on our list for forgiveness should be ourselves. Daily, we heap
recriminations upon ourselves. And our lack of self-love hinders our ability to
love others, which in turn affects our treatment of them. We’ve come full
circle – and forgiveness is in order. It can free us. It will change our
perceptions of life’s events, and it promises greater happiness.
The forgiving heart is magical. My whole life will undergo a dynamic change
when I develop a forgiving heart.” (From Each Day a New Beginning: Daily Meditations for
Women by Karen Casey © 1982, 1991 by Hazelden Foundation.)
I was especially struck by the words, “First on our list for forgiveness should be ourselves. Daily, we heap recriminations upon ourselves. And our lack of self-love hinders our ability to love others, which in turn affects our treatment of them.”
I struggle with forgiving the man that I was. I did so many stupid, harmful things to myself and many others. The fallout from those decisions haunts me and others to this very day. I will go to my grave grieving over these things.
Or will I? Grieving is good, if it leads to real repentance and a better, kinder way of living. But grief is not good, in and of itself. I am not the man I used to be, no matter what I or anyone else thinks about the matter.
But I still struggle with self-forgiveness. Partly, this may be caused by the fact that I don’t see self-forgiveness taught in the Bible. Yes, God forgives. Sometimes, other people forgive. I am to forgive others. Yes, yes, and yes. But where in the Bible does it say anything about self-forgiveness?
The problem with asking hard questions is that sometimes you get even harder answers. This was the case when I asked the question about biblical self-forgiveness.
A verse came to mind. “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you (Colossians 3:13 | NIV).
I suspect that I am a someone. I suspect that we are all someones.
“INNOCENT SUFFERING”
We all wish for the guilty to suffer, and the innocent to be vindicated. And of course all of us are innocent, aren’t we?
But the truth is this: Often the guilty go unpunished.
Or do they?
The guilty have to live with at least one evil person twenty-four hours a day, three-hundred-sixty-five days a year. That person is their own selves. (On leap year, they get an extra day to their sentence.) And while we all sometimes choose to be the guilty person, who really wants to live with one?!
And it also might be asked about how innocent any of us really is?
I realize that this is a terribly unpopular idea, but I still hold to the classic Christian teaching that says that we are all sinners, and that sin is a deadly business for us all.
That does not imply (as it is often thought to imply) that the victim becomes the perpetrator. No! There are the victims, and there are the victimizers. I have been both at different times, and in different situations.
However, I suspect that we all over-rate and over-sell our own innocence.
Still, there are many parts of the Bible that recognize that the innocent suffer through no fault of their own. Psalm 79:3-4, 73:13, and 1 Peter 4:12-19 are just a few of the many verses that acknowledge this uncomfortable truth. In fact, an entire book is devoted to the problem of innocent suffering—the Book of Job.
The teaching of the New Testament is that the truly Innocent One, Jesus, suffered for all the guilty. This is a radical and unpalatable idea. It may or may not be true, but that is what the Bible teaches.
But Jesus also died for the innocent. Apparently, God’s grace and love is so vast that God’s grace and love embrace—that God Himself embraces—all people of all times.
So, if God has embraced the innocent and the guilty, where does that leave us? Should we conclude from this that it doesn’t matter whether we are innocent or guilty in a given situation?
No! Those of us who have been embraced by such a warmly accepting God cannot stay as we were or as we are. Those of us who have come to know that we have been embraced by such love, must acknowledge the fact that we have abused those over whom we held power. We must pray that we will do so no more. We must strive for a godly self-control that will keep us from further devastation.
The Jesus who died for the guilty and the innocent did not die so that the guilty could go on with business as usual. Business as usual is not one of the fruits of such undeserved grace and forgiveness. Gratitude, humility, and transformation of life are the business model of those who have been to the cross of Jesus.
“Invincible Summer”
“In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.” (Albert Camus)
This was the epigraph that led off one of my 12-step readings this morning. I am profoundly grateful to Hazelden Publishing for these readings. They help make me saner—or, at least, a little less crazy.
I have been prone to depression for nearly sixty years. It started just before Christmas when I was nine years old. I didn’t even know what to call it then. I have since come to know the grey monster only too well.
Especially in winter, it is a problem. Some forty years ago, my wife noticed, one dreary February day, that I was more prone to depression in the winter. In her usual constructive manner, she said, “You need to get some exercise. Perhaps that would help.”
“It’s 270!” I replied. I thought that would cool her jets. It didn’t. She’s pesky like that.
“Why don’t we go play golf?” she continued. “You’ve been wanting to teach me how to play.”
“It’s 270!” I said again, as if she hadn’t heard the first time.
“We’ll bundle up,” she said.
Knowing my wife’s persistence (and being too depressed to resist much of anything), we bundled up, got someone to watch our kids, threw my clubs in our refrigerated car, and headed for the golf course.
After five holes of icy golf, I was feeling much colder, but a lot less depressed. “I think I’m feeling better,” I said, through chattering teeth. And then, I added, “You really did well for this being your first golf outing ever.”
“I would have done even better if I had had left-handed clubs,” she replied. I am a righty, and my wife is a lefty. She really did do well!
I have a lot to be depressed about right now. No need to go into all the details. It would make me even more depressed if I did. It probably wouldn’t do a lot to lift your spirits either.
But now, along comes Camus, who is not known for his optimism, with this quote: “In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.”
Invincible summer! Now there’s an incantation with which to conjure. I can certainly remember summer, even in winter. And I can play summer songs on You Tube. I can probably even create a “summer channel” on AccuRadio.
And maybe, just maybe, I can come to enjoy winter more, too.
After a long, grey, wintry spell, the day is dawning cold, but bright and clear. Today, I will choose joy. Today, I will choose to be invincible summer.
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