“Tolerating the Pain of Honest Hindsight”

“We get too soon old and too late smart.” (Source unknown, but probably a person with some hard-fought and late-won wisdom.)

“It is never too late to become the person you always wanted to be.” (A twelve-step saying.)

Here is the reading that provoked this post:

“Thursday, March 18

Oh, that one could learn to learn in time!
—Enrique Solari

A mark of genuine change, after the pleasure of newfound growth, may be the regret a man feels that he didn’t learn sooner. When we learn something new, we see how it could have made our life better at an earlier time. We regret being stubborn, immature, or impulsive. Now we see our mistakes in a new light and it hurts. This is one of the pains of change. Some people turn away from growth because they refuse to tolerate the pain of honest hindsight.

We need to face these regrets, but not indulge in them. We take a bow to the past and move on to live in the only place we can – the present. We can acknowledge our guilt and remorse and then turn them over to the care of God. We can’t change the past, but we can learn from it. Healthy recovery means an ever lighter load of regrets. Getting stuck in guilt over past deeds only repeats our mistakes by failing to use our learning today.

May I acknowledge and let go of my grief’s and regrets so I can attend to life here and now.” (From Touchstones: A Book of Daily Meditations for Men) ©1986, 1991 by Hazelden Foundation. I was especially struck by the sentence, “This is one of the pains of change. Some people turn away from growth because they refuse to tolerate the pain of honest hindsight.”)

I have decided that regretting wasted timing is wasting time.

Wait a minute! Isn’t that a tautology? Isn’t it like saying, “Water is water”?

Why, yes. As a matter of fact, it is a tautology.

According to Professor Google, here is what a tautology is:

“tau·tol·o·gy

/tôˈtäləjē/

noun

the saying of the same thing twice in different words, generally considered to be a fault of style (e.g., they arrived one after the other in succession ).

. . .

a phrase or expression in which the same thing is said twice in different words.

plural noun: tautologies

LOGIC

a statement that is true by necessity or by virtue of its logical form.”

(From the website https://www.google.com/search?q=define+tautology&rlz=1C1GCEA_enUS844US844&oq=define+tautology&aqs=chrome..69i57j0l9.6888j1j7&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8, accessed 03-18-2021)

I am afraid that my sentence “I have decided that regretting wasted timing is wasting time” does not even rise (or stoop?) to the level of a tautology. I didn’t even use different words to say the same thing. I used the same words to say the same thing.

But notice the second meaning of the word “tautology”— “a statement that is true by necessity or by virtue of its logical form.” I did not know about this aspect of the word, and I deeply regret that I didn’t learn it when I was young. (Oops!)

Here is the main point of this rambling, etymological post: If I am regretting not learning to live more wisely when I was young, I am simply ignoring God’s call to live well in the Eternal Now. And such regret is simply perpetuating past stupidity.

Dear ones, the sun is about to peak over the eastern horizon. Will it see me facing this new day with courage, hope, and attention to the present moment? Or will it shine on one who is continually staring at the darkness of his own past?

In the Church of England Book of Common Prayer, there is a part of the morning liturgy that I love a great deal. Here ‘tis:

“The night has passed and the day lies open before us;

let us pray with one heart and mind:

(Silence may be kept)

As we rejoice in the gift of this new day,

so may the light of your presence, O God,

set our hearts on fire with love for you;

now and for ever. Amen.”

Yes! The day does indeed lie open before us! God, set our hearts on fire with love for you!

“A Happy Little Zing in My Brain”

DTEB, “A Happy Little Zing in My Brain”

“. . . the joy of the LORD is your strength.” (Nehemiah 8:10)

“the fruit of the Spirit is . . . joy . . . .” (Galatians 5:22)

“9 As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. 10 If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and abide in his love. 11 These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.” (John 15:9-11, Jesus is speaking to his disciples, just before his arrest and execution.)

Concerning a tiny habit that he was trying to refine, B.J. Fogg says, “When I did it the first time, I got a happy little zing in my brain that told me that I had hit the right spot.”[1]

We need to pay attention to those happy little zings. They may be a sip—or at least the scent—of a heady wine called the joy of the LORD.

Both the Old and New Testaments speak of this joy. This is a secret that is too little known about faith in God. I don’t know the secret well myself, but I am happy to blab about it anyway. The secret is this: There is a joy that comes from trusting and obeying the LORD. There is a joy that comes from knowing the God loves me just as I am. And believe you me, God knows me just as I am! And it isn’t always pretty. But God goes right on loving anyway.

As I live in God’s love and as I love God and people in response to God’s love for me, I feel those happy little zings in my brain. Being loved and loving is not always easy. The zings come only when I actually do something. And the truth is that I am sometimes incredibly lazy—even when things are easy. And, of course, doing the next right thing is not always the easiest thing to do. In fact, sometimes it is incredibly hard.

But then, there are those brain-zings. And I do like those!

I wish for you a zingy day!


[1] B.J. Fogg, Tiny Habits: The Small Changes that Change Everything (Boston: Houghton, Mifflin, Harcourt, 2020).

“The Prayer of a Man Too Busy for Gratitude Lists”

God, is it important for me to actually write down my items of gratitude? Couldn’t I just be grateful? I’m busy! There are so many things I want to do! And some, I really ought to do. I could save time by skipping the list.

But here is the problem as I see it: I think the lists keep me alert during the day for things that invite gratitude. And I definitely need to be aware of the things that make for gratitude. Otherwise, I just become a more selfish, gloomy, despairing person. And I already have way more of those qualities (especially the selfishness) than I need.

So, I guess I know the answer. Don’t like it, but I know it.

GRATITUDE LIST:

  1. Gratitude lists.
  2. The ability to do healthy things that I don’t want to do.
  3. . . .

“The Rule of 15”

I have decided that from here on out, I am going to live by the Rule of 15.

What on earth is “the Rule of 15,” you ask? The Rule of 15 states that, whenever I am about to say or do anything, I keep in mind the Rule of 15. The rule asks me how I’m going to feel about this word or action in 15 seconds, 15 hours, 15, days, or 15 years. I don’t have to go through every permutation of these time increments. In fact, 15 seconds is usually enough.

Now, I can hear your mental wheels turning. You’re thinking to yourself, “He’s not going to be able to ask that question? There isn’t time. He won’t be able to say or do anything!”

And I would respond with two counterpoints. First, would it really be such a bad thing if I said and did less? When all is said and done, I say and do a lot of downright stupidities.

Second, I spend a lot more time than 15 seconds, 15, hours, and 15 days regretting things I’ve done in the past. And yes, as a matter of fact, some of my decisions have haunted me for a lot longer than even 15 years. So, a simple cost-benefits analysis would suggest that the Rule of 15 is a good way of budgeting my time and my life.

And the reason for the Rule of 15 is simple: Immediate gratification is not really so gratifying. “Trust your feelings!” is the mantra of many of us modern folks. And it is a good mantra—provided. (You knew there would be fine print, didn’t you? There’s always fine print.) Trusting my feelings is fine, provided that I trust my longer-term feelings. The main thing is to ask myself how I’ll feel in 15.

One final thought. My own belief, shared with many others, is that I will live forever. I can’t wrap my mind around that, but I do believe it. If my decisions in the here and now are decisions that I will need to live with forever, suddenly the Rule of 15—even 15 years—becomes a pretty minimalistic requirement.

Now, if you are like me, you’ve made a lot of bad decisions over the years. You’ve said and done lots of things that you would love to unsay or undo. But, of course, we can’t, can we? And we’ve also failed to do the right things. The Rule of 15 sounds like a heavy burden, doesn’t it?

Oh, do I have some good news for you and me and for the entire world! In 15 seconds or less, all of your sins can be forgiven. How do I know this? Because it has happened to me.

One time, when my past was up in my face taunting me, I asked God what his pet name for me is. The problem with asking God a question is that he may actually answer you. I don’t listen well to my friends, my wife, my better angels, or even God, but every once in a while, I am so desperate that I muster all my courage and take the plunge. I don’t feel that I very often hear the voice of God, but this time, I think I did. God’s pet name for me is . . .

. . . Forgiven.

I don’t have an exclusive copyright on that name. It can be your name too.

“A String of Behavioral Beeds”

No, the word “Beeds” in the title is not a misspelling. It is a wonderful new word that a friend of mine coined.

He and I are part of a threesome who help one another with growth and accountability. We are always seeking ways in which we can grow and become better men.

My friend was trying to find an English word for “the smallest meaningful unit of behavior” and couldn’t. So, he invented the word “beed”. It is a blend word, also known as a portmanteau word. (Think of “smog”, which combines “smoke” with “fog”.)

The word “beed” combines the words “behavior” and “deed”. Beeds are not big, hairy audacious goals, or even dramatic deeds. Beeds are the atoms of behavioral molecules.

Too often, we are rather dismissive of small things. However, that is like being dismissive of atoms, which are the building blocks of the entire created universe.

To do small, but good things, is to participate in the creation of the universe. It is to live out our humanity as the images of God.

Jesus said that even giving a cup of cold water or visiting someone who was sick or in prison was important and would receive a glorious reward. Jesus was apparently into beeds.

So, let me ask you an important question: What needs can you create and string together today?

As I was writing this post, I got word that my mother-in-law just passed away. It was a long and bitter battle for her. I loved my mother-in-law. Still do.

Several of my friends have picked up the phone when I’ve called. When they couldn’t, they soon called me back. Picking up a phone a very small beed, but it just goes to show you how important and meaningful even a small beed can be.

Let’s all string some beeds today. What do you say?

“Advice vs. Guidance”

Before I threw the covers off this morning, I prayed that God would guide me through and throughout this day. My 12-step affirmation for today is “Today, I am allowing my Higher Power to guide me to make good choices and to follow through on those choices.

Then, strangely enough, in one of my 12-step readings, I encountered a section entitled “Divinely Led.” It began with an epigraph, which is also a prayer:

“Send me the right thought, word, or action. Show me what my next step should be. In times of doubt and indecision please send your inspiration and guidance.

—Alcoholics Anonymous” (https://www.hazeldenbettyford.org/thought-for-the-day?book=2&date=2021-02-11)

It is so much easier to give advice than guidance. An advisor points out the direction you should go. A guide goes with you.

According to both the Old and New Testaments, God is not an advisor. God is a guide. Of course, God is not just a guide. God is many things. But God isa guide.

I really appreciate that sometimes. I can get lost in my own close closet—and it isn’t even a walk-in closet. For sure, I can get lost in my own mind. As someone has said, “The mind is a dark and scary place. Don’t go there alone!”

My Guide often accompanies me to places I don’t want to go, but my Guide goes with me. And when I follow and arrive at this place I did not want to go, there is a delightful view or a needful lesson to be learned—sometimes a view and a lesson.

God guides me in many ways: through the Bible, for sure, but in other ways as well. Here is a very partial list of ways in which my Guide guides:

  • The Bible.
  • Other books and articles, both sacred and secular.
  • Music.
  • Friends.
  • 12-step readings.
  • Internal nudging from the Holy Spirit.
  • My dog.
  • My circumstances.
  • Trial and error.
  • My own internal longings. (Well, some of them.)

Who’s to say? Perhaps God even guides through blog posts like this one. May you be guided through this day!

“A Warning against Gangs and Other Forms of Greedy Gangster Activities”

Gangs come in various sizes and flavors. So does greed.

Take Proverbs 1:10-19 for example. Yes, they were around in ancient times as well! Did you really think that gangs were a modern phenomenon?

“Prov. 1:10      My son, if sinners entice you,

                        do not consent.

Prov. 1:11       If they say, “Come with us, let us lie in wait for blood;

                        let us ambush the innocent without reason;

Prov. 1:12       like Sheol let us swallow them alive,

                        and whole, like those who go down to the pit;

Prov. 1:13       we shall find all precious goods,

                        we shall fill our houses with plunder;

Prov. 1:14       throw in your lot among us;

                        we will all have one purse”—

Prov. 1:15       my son, do not walk in the way with them;

                        hold back your foot from their paths,

Prov. 1:16       for their feet run to evil,

                        and they make haste to shed blood.

Prov. 1:17       For in vain is a net spread

                        in the sight of any bird,

Prov. 1:18       but these men lie in wait for their own blood;

                        they set an ambush for their own lives.

Prov. 1:19       Such are the ways of everyone who is greedy for unjust gain;

                        it takes away the life of its possessors.”

The enticements of a gang are many. Love of violence (and control?) for its own sake, easy money, and being “one of the gang”—literally—all play their part. But in verses 18 and 19, the father-teacher points out something that the gang does not tell its recruits: Evil and violence are self-defeating. Indeed, evil and violence are not so much a quick way to easy money, as they are a quick way to an early grave.

But notice how verse 19 is not content to simply point out the danger of gangs. “Such are the ways of everyone who is greedy for unjust gain; it takes away the life of its possessors” (italics mine). This broadens the warning to include more than the danger of gangs.

The same Hebrew word that is used for “unjust gain” in 1:19 is used in connection with the taking of bribes in Prov. 15:27

            “Whoever is greedy for unjust gain troubles his own household,

                        but he who hates bribes will live.” (English Standard Version)

Notice the word “whoever” in this verse. This proverb is not just talking about the danger of gangs for a young person. It is generalized to involve anyone who takes a bribe.

Similarly, Proverbs 28:16 speaks of the danger of a ruler taking a unjust gain:

“A ruler who lacks understanding is a cruel oppressor,

                        but he who hates unjust gain will prolong his days.”

Apparently, those in positions of political authority were especially prone to shorten their days, their very lives, with unjust gain. Imagine that! Political corruption and cruelty! I’m certainly glad that we don’t have that these days! (Yes, you’re right: I am being ironic, if not sarcastic.)

But lest we too quickly let our own selves off the unjust gain hook, perhaps we should think more deeply about the danger. Let me personalize the matter by asking myself some uncomfortable questions.

In what way might I be profiting by the cruelty of others? Have I ever bothered to examine my investment portfolios to see specifically the investments that my Edward Jones folks are doing on my behalf? Am I as innocent in these matters as I would like to believe? The question answers itself. And frankly, I don’t like the answer.

And what about taking credit for things I don’t do? Or, at least, for things that I don’t do alone? I don’t intentionally plagiarize, but I do sometimes “accidentally” forget my source. Is it really so accidental?

What about hogging all the attention? I’ve always struggled with that. Still do. All people need some positive, concentrated attention if they to thrive. By always wanting to be in the limelight myself, do I shade out other people and stunt their growth? Such an attitude is not so different from what Proverbs 1:19 warns us against. Even a small gang of Me, Myself, and I is quite deadly. Self-preoccupation not only harms others. It is also toxic to me.

So how do I avoid becoming part of a gang or being a gang? I need to keep in mind constantly the dangers involved. And I need to remember that God doesn’t have a gang; he has a family, of which I claim to be a part. And isn’t that enough, really? I am not the center of attention and I don’t need to be. Loving God and loving people may not lead to easy money, but it does lead to a life that is well-lived and profoundly satisfying.

“God’s Law is . . . Positively Delightful?!?”

In yesterday’s post, I commented on Psalm 1:1. I pointed out that being happy, at least in part, involves avoiding things that sabotage our own happiness. Those are the same things that sabotages the happiness of others. My point was so simple that I often miss it: Happiness involves not doing certain things. Perhaps you also occasionally struggle with the negative, “not-doing” part of happiness.

Today, I want to deal with the positive pole of the happiness battery charger—what we can do to be happy. I have copied and pasted the entire psalm below for your perusal. Don’t worry: It is not a long psalm!

“Psa. 1:1          Blessed is the man

                        who walks not in the counsel of the wicked,

             nor stands in the way of sinners,

                        nor sits in the seat of scoffers;

2          but his delight is in the law of the LORD,

                        and on his law he meditates day and night.

Psa. 1:3           He is like a tree

                        planted by streams of water

             that yields its fruit in its season,

                        and its leaf does not wither.

             In all that he does, he prospers.

4          The wicked are not so,

                        but are like chaff that the wind drives away.

Psa. 1:5           Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment,

                        nor sinners in the congregation of the righteous;

6          for the LORD knows the way of the righteous,

                        but the way of the wicked will perish.” (Psalm 1, English Standard Version)

As was the case yesterday with verse 1, I quote Derek Kidner on verse 2:

“The three negatives have cleared the way for what is positive, which is their true function and the value of their hard cutting edge. (Even in Eden God gave man a negative, to allow him the privilege of decisive choice.) The mind was the first bastion to defend, in verse 1, and is treated as the key to the whole man. The law of the Lord stands opposed to ‘the counsel of the wicked’ (1), to which it is ultimately the only answer. The psalm is content to develop this one theme, implying that whatever really shapes a man’s thinking shapes his life. This is conveniently illustrated also by the next psalm, where the word for ‘plot’ (2:1b) is the same as for meditates here, with results that follow from the very different thoughts that are entertained there. In our verse, the deliberate echo of the charge to Joshua reminds the man of action that the call to think hard about the will of God is not merely for the recluse, but is the secret of [Vol 15: Psa, p. 65] achieving anything worthwhile (cf. prospers, here, with Josh. 1:8). Law (tôrâ) basically means ‘direction’ or ‘instruction’; it can be confined to a single command, or can extend, as here, to Scripture as a whole.

3. . . .  The phrase its fruit in its season emphasizes both the distinctiveness and the quiet growth of the product; for the tree is no mere channel, piping the water unchanged from one place to another, but a living organism which absorbs it, to produce in due course something new and delightful, proper to its kind and to its time. The promised immunity of the leaf from withering is not independence of the rhythm of the seasons (cf. the preceding line, and see on 31:15), but freedom from the crippling damage of drought (cf. Jer. 17:8b).”

So, the law—or better, the instruction—of the LORD aims at our ultimate stability, productiveness, and happiness. Now that is positivity on steroids!

I have noticed that, sometimes, when I marinate in God’s Instruction, I experience this delightful happiness. Not always, perhaps not even often. But when I do experience this delight in God’s Instruction, it is very delightful indeed.

And when I don’t experience such delight, I eventually (and grudgingly) have to admit that the fault is in me. God’s Law—God’s Instruction—is positive in its ultimate intentions. The really damaging (and damning) negativity is within my own mind and heart.

“Blessed Negativity”

“Psa. 1:1          Blessed is the man

                        who walks not in the counsel of the wicked,

             nor stands in the way of sinners,

                        nor sits in the seat of scoffers;

2          but his delight is in the law of the LORD,

                        and on his law he meditates day and night.

Psa. 1:3           He is like a tree

                        planted by streams of water

             that yields its fruit in its season,

                        and its leaf does not wither.

             In all that he does, he prospers.

4          The wicked are not so,

                        but are like chaff that the wind drives away.

Psa. 1:5           Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment,

                        nor sinners in the congregation of the righteous;

6          for the LORD knows the way of the righteous,

                        but the way of the wicked will perish.” (Psalm 1, English Standard Version)

Positivity is a magic word these days. I get that, and frankly, I pretty much agree. However, let me come in with a good word in favor of negativity.

Take, for example, Psalm 1. This psalm starts out positively, by using the word “blessed.”

What does it mean to be blessed? Some translations use the word “happy” to translate the Hebrew word “ʾašrē”, which is not a bad guess. (“Bliss” has also been suggested, but most of us don’t much about bliss, except for some of us who are who recognize Bliss as the name of a coffee.) The Hebrew word contains the idea that someone has to do something. Happiness doesn’t zap anybody. It is a participant sport.

According to the Old Testament, often what a person needs to do in order to experience happiness is positive. There are things we need to do consistently in order to experience happiness. However, sometimes happiness is negative—something or some things that need to be avoided. Verse 1 of Psalm 1 points out this somewhat unwelcome fact.

“Blessed is the man

                        who walks not in the counsel of the wicked,

             nor stands in the way of sinners,

                        nor sits in the seat of scoffers.”

Derek Kidner makes some fine comments on the negative aspects of happiness in his commentary on Psalms. After commenting on the word “blessed”, Kidner writes, “This psalm goes on to show the sober choice that is its basis [that is, the basis of blessedness]. The Sermon on the Mount, using the corresponding word in Greek, will go on to expound it still more radically.

            Counsel, way and seat (or ‘assembly’, or ‘dwelling’) draw attention to the realms of thinking, behaving and belonging, in which a person’s fundamental choice of allegiance is made and carried through; and this is borne out by a hint of decisiveness in the tense of the Hebrew verbs (the perfect). It would be reading too much into these verbs to draw a moral from the apparent process of slowing down from walking to sitting, since the journey was in the wrong direction for a start. Yet certainly the three complete phrases show three aspects, indeed three degrees, of departure from God, by portraying conformity to this world at three different levels: accepting its advice, being party to its ways, and adopting the most fatal of its attitudes – for the scoffers, if not the most scandalous of sinners, are the farthest from repentance (Prov. 3:34).”

So, there are some things to avoid, if we really want to be happy. And really, we all know this. This psalm is not saying anything out of the ordinary. If we want to be happy, we need to avoid things that make us unhappy. This is not rocket science or advanced psychology. Instead, this is life 101. In this sense, blessedness is a negative thing, and negativity is a blessed thing.

May you be blessedly negative today! (And may you come back to read tomorrow’s post, which will speak of delightful positivity!)

“The Wonders of Heaven and Earth”

A friend emailed me to thank me for my post titled, “You Can’t Hear Good News too Often.” She said, “I always appreciate GOOD NEWS!  Especially lately.” I replied as follows:

“Yes, we all need good news—always.

And we always need to remember that “this world is not our home; we’re just a passin’ through,” to paraphrase that hill gospel song.

And remember: As you and I have decided, Heaven must have lots of books!

I have a recurring dream. In it, I am wandering through a very large, beautiful house. Every room is beautiful and every room is different. Some are filled with light and some with dark paneling, a fireplace, and (you guessed it!) books. I always have a profound sense of peace and joy and wonder while I am wandering through the rooms. Even when I awake, the peace and joy and wonder remain.

This planet, this life, is filled with wonder too. My prayer is that you and I and all of us will be captured by that wonder today, and that we will be as prepared as we can be for the wonder of Heaven.

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