Posts Tagged: handling disappointments

“Making Up Generous Stories”

On April 14, 2021 by Dteb With 0 Comments - down to earth believer

“Now, don’t tell me stories!” That is what my mom used to say to me when I was little. What she meant to say was, don’t lie to me, I think. However, I do tell stories. Hopefully, they are not lies. For example, here is an email exchange between my sponsor and me concerning a scholarly conference that left me off the schedule inadvertently.

I had talked with my twelve-step sponsor about my anger and hurt and disappointment yesterday. Today, he wrote in his email, “I hope there is a satisfactory outcome with your presentation.”

My reply was as follows:

“Dear ­­­­________,

So far, I like what is coming out of me. This is the most important part of the “outcome”. I am owning my feelings of hurt, anger, and disappointment, without letting myself become a scholarly jerk.

However, no reply yet from the person who was heading up our study group. I suspect that she dropped the ball, since nobody from the study group is presenting at the conference.

However, in these kinds of situations, I try to remember to make up somewhat plausible stories that help me to be more kind to other people. What if the head of our study group is dead from COVID (or any number of other causes)? What if she just lost a close relative, or had an emotional breakdown? What if she is tremendously busy (like me), and simply took on more than she should have? What if she is like me and has A.D.D.?

Whether or not any of these stories is true, or even close to the truth, they help me to take a more generous approach to conflictual situations when emotions run high. Just as importantly, these stories that I make up keep me from saying and doing things that I might regret.

I don’t take this attitude all the time, but I find it a helpful path when I travel it. And the path is the thing, not the destination.

Daryl”

In my better moments, I actually believe and act on what I just wrote to my sponsor. I have a lot of “better moments” these days. And that beats bitter moments, hands down!

So, as much as I love my mom, I would encourage you to go ahead and tell some stories. They may help you. Also, they may be truer than you think.

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“How to Handle a Disappointment”

On April 13, 2021 by Dteb With 0 Comments - down to earth believer

I just found out that I am not going to be presenting a paper at a scholarly conference I am attending virtually. I don’t know exactly what went wrong, but it appears as if something did. The study group of which I was part isn’t even on the program.

Hurt? Yes. Angry? Yes, that too. However, I am proud of the way I’m handling this—at least, so far.

First, I am trying to find out where things went wrong. I am sending some frank (but carefully worded) emails.

Second, I am acknowledging my hurt and angry feelings. Nothing good ever comes from denying what I am feeling. Nothing! I’ve tried it a lot of times, and it never works out well.

Third, I am refusing to medicate my hurt with actions or thoughts that would numb them. Unfortunately, with us addicts, that is always a possibility. I’ve already called my sponsor and a couple of twelve-step friends to acknowledge the pain and the temptation to justify unjustifiable approaches to this pain.

Fourth, I am trying hard not to be nasty. One of my favorite mantras these days is “Don’t be a jerk!” I’ve invested more than enough time and energy in being a jerk over the years.

Fifth, I am remembering what I heard from the Apostle Peter and from the Apostle Andy Stanley (independently, I would add!) just this morning. Humility under God and with people is the key to all happy relationships. Peter says that we are to clothe ourselves with humility. Andy says that we should frequently ask the question, “What would a humble person do in this situation?” Then, we are to do it.

Sixth, I am remembering why I do scholarship in the first place. There are actually several reasons.

  • I do scholarship to glorify God.
  • I do scholarship because it helps me.
  • I do scholarship for the benefit of others.

This paper dealt with a particularly violent event—or series of events—in the Old Testament: the coup of Jehu as recorded in 2 Kings 9-10, which is referenced in a few other places. The violence in the Old Testament is something that keeps some people from even reading the Bible, much less believing in it or in God. Even believers are troubled by it. At least, we should be. I certainly am troubled by this violence.

My paper may not ever be presented, but the study and discipline that went into it were not wasted. My study has helped me to come somewhat to terms with the violence in the Bible. More importantly, it has helped me to come to terms with the violence in me.

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“DISAPPOINTMENTS”

On February 19, 2018 by Dteb With 0 Comments - down to earth believer

The following is based on my journal entry from this morning.

Monday, February 19, 2018

Good morning, LORD!

I need to learn how to handle disappointment better.

Disappointments are largely the result of expectations.  I expect too much of myself, others, circumstances, even of God.  I have a friend in my twelve-step group who never tires of reminding us that “an expectation is just a premeditated resentment.”  And I always need to remember that if I hang on to a disappointment, it will most definitely hang on to me.  In a very little while, disappointment will sour into resentment, sure as I’m sitting here.

Actually, I occasionally suspect that disappointments may serve a useful purpose: They can help build character.  Disappointments help me to ask crucial questions.  Is this really something I want and need to do?  How much do I want this?  Am I going about this with the right motivation, attitude and means?

I have heard a saying that sounds like a cliché: “There are no unanswered prayers,  God answers all prayers. ‘No’ and ‘Wait’ are just as much answers as ‘Yes.’”  It may indeed be a cliché.  However, years ago I had a professor who pointed out that, “a cliché is another name for a common truth that we commonly ignore.”   If I had learned nothing else from that professor, that would have been enough!

Perhaps disappointment is God’s way of saying “No,” or “Wait a while.”  Perhaps God has something different that God wants me to do.  Not necessarily better, but better for me.  God’s “no” is often a “yes” that I am not facing up to.

Sometimes, writing things down can be therapeutic.  Attempting to speak the truth helps me to sort out what really is true, as opposed to trying to fit the truth into my own little twisted assumptions.  Who knows?  Reading (and reading this blog post in particular) may also be a way of you dealing with your own resentments.

(For another good blog on this matter of disappointments, have a look at a website I just discovered: https://feelslikehomeblog.com/2013/04/13-bible-verses-to-overcome-disappointment/.)

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