“DOING AWAY WITH MYSELF”
DTEB, “DOING AWAY WITH MYSELF”
“A man who is wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.” (Source unknown)
“Selfishness—self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows, they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, The Big Book, p. 62, italics mine)
I like to think of myself as a fairly generous, compassionate person. Today, before worship even began, I realized that everything I had ever done or wanted to do that was good has been about me.
The worship music spoke of what God had done for us in Christ. It was wonderful music, but I couldn’t sing much. I was too busy trying to hold back the tears. I hoped to hear something encouraging in the sermon. I didn’t. The pastor talked about compassion. Talking about compassion to a person who just realized his own core selfishness is like pouring water on a drowning man.
At the end of the worship service, there was an invitation to come forward for prayer. I wanted to, but felt that I was just too far gone in my selfishness. I felt so lost in myself.
However, afterwards I found one of the elders at the church with whom I have a good relationship, broke down crying, and asked him to pray for me. (Nothing wrong with the rest of our elders; I just know Gary better.)
My first generous act was to give away my “secret” (??) about being so selfish. Hey, feeble generosity is better than no generosity at all.
And afterwards, I felt so much better. I also felt that, perhaps, even though everything I had ever done had been tainted by my me-ness, there had been some genuine generosity in some of it. The seeds—or at least the desire—had been there in me all along. But the ground was too frozen or too hard for the seeds to germinate.
However, spring is here, no matter how much it may look or feel like winter. Time to break up the soil a bit. Time to tend the seeds. Time to begin to harvest generosity.
I can’t do away with myself, but I can allow my generous God to do something with me! I have repeatedly shown myself incapable of whole-hearted generosity. However, with God, all things are possible. Not easy. Just possible.
I grew up on a two-hundred-acre farm in Adams County. We had a huge garden. One year, there wasn’t much (if any) rain, and the ground was very hard and crusty. The lima beans weren’t able to push their way through the hard soil. My dad bent down and began carefully scraping off the crust, allowing the lima beans to pop up.
I have a Heavenly Father, too. He doesn’t really want to do away with me. He doesn’t want me to do away with myself.
What does He want?
He wants me to allow Him to scrape away my hard, crusty soil. He wants to allow the seeds of generosity to germinate and grow.
He wants that for all of us.
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