Cultivating Friendship with God
My “Three-Minute Retreat” this morning asked a really good question? “What qualities of human friendship do I practice in my relationship with God?” So, I thought about close friends of mine, and why they are such good friends. Here are some of the things that come to mind. 1. They think the best of me, even when there is massive evidence that they shouldn’t. 2. They sometimes (but not often) speak to me very frankly about ways in which I need to improve. This may seem to be the opposite of what I listed first. It is not! Thinking the best of me means not only thinking of me well in the here and now, but also means thinking of the man that I need to become. Therefore, old-fashioned truth-telling is an important part of friendship. 3. A friend listens intently. 4. A friend takes seriously my own life’s story, but also shares his/her own. Now, God certainly practices all of these qualities toward me and toward all of us. God is the best of all friends on each of these counts! 1. God thinks kindly of me, no matter what I’ve done. 2. God often speaks the truth to me in no uncertain terms—at least, when I can hear the truth. (Often, I refuse to hear.) 3. God listens intently. 4. God takes seriously my own life’s story—the good, the bad, and the ugly. In the Bible, in church history, in the seemingly secular events of the universe, in nature, God is sharing God’s own story with me. But here is the question that I am actually being asked by my anonymous retreat master. I am going to repeat it, emphasizing one word: ““What qualities of human friendship do I practice in my relationship with God?” Could you tell which word I was emphasizing? How do I practice in my developing of a deeper friendship with God? 1. Do I think the best of God, when God does not seem to be present, when God does not give me things which I’m pretty sure would be good for me and for others? Do I call a tornado “an act of God,” but refuse to be grateful for an achingly lovely sunrise or sunset? 2. It might seem that I don’t have to practice the second tenet toward God. After all, God never needs to be corrected! Right? Well, yes, that is right—at least in one sense. However, I do need to speak the truth to God, as I think I see the truth. That is part of what the Scripture shows happening among God’s people. Some of the psalmists—along with the prophet Isaiah—told God to wake up! (See Psalm 7:6; 35:23; 44:23, and Isaiah 51:9ff. for further details.) I can’t (or at least won’t) realize that I am the one who needs to wake up, until I’ve told the God (who never slumbers or sleeps) to wake up. So, yes, I do need to practice the second quality of friendly listening. 3. I need to listen intently to God. Once I’ve had my say (see the preceding section), then I need to be silent and listen. Years ago, I heard or read something like the following: “The question is not, ‘Does God still speak to humans?’ Rather, the question is, ‘Are we listening?’” Yes! 4. Do I take seriously God’s own story? It’s a great story! I believe that the Bible is the true story of God’s friendship with a stubborn stiff-necked people called “Israel.” I also believe that the Bible is God telling me his story of an even more stiff-necked people called “the Church.” Indeed, the Bible tells God’s agonizing story of God’s love for the entire human race. Am I daily practicing these fundamental qualities of friendship, and seeking to deepen my friendship with God? If not, why not? And as an old rabbinic saying goes, “If not now, when?”
“THE NUDGINGS OF GOD AND HEARING THE HOLY SPIRIT”
“Today, I am ready for positive change. I will be responsive to inner nudges that move me in that direction.”
The above is from a daily reading I receive. I customized it for my daily twelve-step affirmation: Today, with God’s help, I am ready for positive change. I will be responsive to inner nudges that move me in that direction.
I also receive a daily “Three-Minute Retreat” from the Jesuits. It is also very helpful to my recovery and my life. Interestingly, today’s retreat talked about hearing the Holy Spirit, and was based on John 16:13. The crafter of this retreat asked a thought-provoking question: “What gets in the way of my hearing the Spirit?”
I immediately thought of external noise.
But then, nudged by God no doubt, I thought of the really noisy noise in my own mind. That is the real distraction!
So, how do I turn down the volume in my own noisy mind?
Perhaps stilling my body helps still my mind as well. Of course, the converse is also true.
Then too, breathing deeply tends to help the mental noise to subside.
Listening to some soothing instrumental music (I love harps and flutes!) is good for me as well.
Noticing lovely things quiets my mind and spirit as well. Today, before I went for my walk, I noticed our beautiful rose-of-Sharon trees, and the bees which were working on them.
Prayer can help. Obviously, the Serenity Prayer is good. There is a reason why it is called the Serenity Prayer. It is not only a prayer for serenity. It also helps to bring about the serenity for which I pray.
There is also a wonderfully simple (yet profound) prayer that I learned years ago, while I was doing a “Fifty-Day Spiritual Adventure.” It is simply this: “Calm my spirit, Lord.”
But before any of this can help, I need to do one simple thing: I need to notice the noise.
A noisy mind is like a small child who keeps tugging on his mom’s arm until she pays attention to him. After he has been heard, he is (sometimes) ready to settle down.
Perhaps this blog is one way of paying attention to my own noisy mind. It might even help you, my dear and highly valued reader!
When I (and you) desire positive change, we will pay attention to our mental noise. Maybe then we will be more sensitive to the nudging of God and the voice of the Holy Spirit.
EMPTYING MYSELF OF CROTCHETS
A couple of weeks ago, my wife and I were talking about how I used to be “young and crotchety.” In other words, I’m a bit better nowadays at being flexible, not overly invested in some of my little thises and thats. I am, thusly, less crotchety and easier to get along with.
So, I decided to look up the word “crotchety.” I came up with many definitions, some of them pretty gross, and some interesting, but irrelevant to my search. However, I also discovered (or concocted?) an interesting connection. To be crotchety means to be “full of crotchets.”
But, of course, I did not know what a crotchet was. And how would I know if I was full of them, if I didn’t even know what one was.
A crotchet is a personal preference. Merriam Webster on line lists the following as part of their definition of “crotchet”: “a highly individual and usually eccentric opinion or preference . . . .”
So, I am now on a one-man crusade to bring back the obsolete phrase “full of crotchets.” (However, use it mainly on yourself, rather than on others. If you use it to insult others, you may simply make them more crotchety.)
Being full of highly individual opinions or preferences guarantees that a person will be crotchety.
But aren’t we entitled to our own opinions?
Perhaps, but here is the question: Do most things really require us to have opinions? Most importantly, do my personal opinions do me or anyone else any good? Or, do my crotchets simply make me and other people more crotchety? (And yes, crotchets are most definitely highly contagious. They are airborne viruses of the soul.)
What opinions am I full of about how my wife should be, about food, about the use of time, etc.? Lots!
How do I empty myself of these crotches? I just googled the antonym of “crotchets.” Not much was helpful.
However, it occurs to me that in order to empty myself of crotchets, I have to do at least three things.
First, I need to be aware of the highly superfluous nature of most of my preferences. If I am aware of my personal opinions and preferences, that is at least a beginning.
Second, I need to refuse to baptize my opinions and rename them “needs” or “essentials.” They are what they are: crotchets.
Third, I need to be willing to try new ideas, new foods, new places, new people. Who knows? I may find that my own life is enriched, as well as those of others. In any case, I will be less crotchety.
Years ago, a friend of mine used to pray, “Lord, deliver us from our opinions.” It is a good prayer. Perhaps I should pray it more often!
“Determination, Compassion, and the Ant Who Would Not Die”
My wife is generally a very compassionate woman—except when it comes to ants. She doesn’t like them, at least not in the house.
So, I was surprised that she had not only spared one of the little creatures, but had actually carefully escorted it out of our house. However, this was only after she had tried to drown the little creature twice.
“Can ants breathe under water?” she asked me, early this morning.
Even though I had already drunk two cups of coffee, I was not prepared for a zoology question. I am in the humanities, not the sciences.
“I don’t think so,” I replied. Then, reaching into my shallow pool of half-remembered trivia, I said, “However, I think they can hold their breath for a surprisingly long time.”
“The reason I asked,” said my sweet, compassionate wife, “is that I tried to drown an ant in the bathroom sink, but he crawled right out. Then, I ran a lot of water in the sink, and was sure I had drowned him, but I turned around and there he was again.”
“Why didn’t you just smash him?” I asked.
“Well, I figured if he was that determined to live, I’d better let him; I took him outside and let him go.”
Here endeth the reading of today’s lesson!
Or rather, here the lesson beginneth!
Sometimes, sheer doggedness wins out in the end. The determination not to give up, no matter if a giant is trying to drown you, can prolong your existence. This is especially true if the giant has a compassionate respect for stubbornness and the will to survive.
God is a very compassionate Giant. Feel like you’re drowning, like nothing is working? I doubt that God is trying to drown you, but it may feel as if that is true. And, of course, other people, your job, your school, your own unrealistic expectations—these and a thousand other giants may be pouring cold weather (or raw sewerage?) on you.
Hold your breath and keep crawling out. Who knows? Compassion may very well win out in the end. If you choose to hold on and hold out, you may find compassion holding out her hand after all.
PEACE WITH MY BORDERS
“He makes peace in your borders . . .” (Psalm 147:14, New American Bible, 1995).”
Have you noticed how many sayings we have about borders, boundaries, and related concepts?
“That’s your problem, not mine!”
“You’re not respecting my boundaries!”
“There is a line I will not cross.”
“He/she/I is/am pushing the boundaries.”
And so on!
We all want other people to respect our boundaries. Whole books have been written about this issue. That’s good! It is important that people respect our boundaries. I suspect that books which tell us how to respect the boundaries of others are less popular. I also suspect that less popular equals more needed.
But perhaps the most important topic is being at peace with our own boundaries. I’m not sure I’ve seen lots of books written on that topic.
Psalm 147:14a literally says, “He [that is, God] makes your borders peace.”
This is a very terse verse, and can be translated and understood in a number of different ways. I’m not going to tell you which translation or interpretation is best. The truth is, I don’t know.
At a very literal level, it could be taken as referring to the territory of ancient Israel. Trouble often occurs at the borders of any nation. Nations disagree about where the boundaries were, are, or should be, as well as how (and how strictly) to maintain those boundaries.
Of course, at the micro-level this is also a common dynamic. At work, people disagree as to what is and is not their responsibility. In marriage, the same thing can be observed. In divorce, these border skirmishes become all-out war.
However, whatever the verse is saying, I will tell you what I heard when I read it this morning. I heard God saying to me that I need to be at peace with my own boundaries. I have always had trouble with this.
When I was a very little person, Mom would let me go out to the yard, and would tell me to stay in the yard. I would—for a few minutes. But soon, the pastures outside the fence would call, and I would be off the races. So would my mom and older sister, who ran themselves ragged trying to keep up with my short (but swift) legs. Perhaps boundaries never come easily to small children.
What I would like to tell you is that I have gotten better with boundaries over the years. However, that would be a lie. I am not at peace with my own boundaries. This means, basically, that I am not at peace at all.
Do I believe that God has established and will protect my boundaries? If I do, I should be at peace with those boundaries.
What are my specific boundaries? My age, my physical health, my marital status, my skills, my interests, my work—all these and many more constitute my boundaries. There are times for expanding some of them, but many of them simply need to be recognized and respected.
From one angle, the Serenity Prayer is a prayer about boundaries: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change [i.e., the firm boundaries], the courage the things I can [i.e., the boundaries which can and should be expanded], and the wisdom to know the difference [i.e., knowing which boundaries must be firm, and which ones I need to expand].”
Only when I am at peace with my own boundaries and limitations will I have peace at all.
As that great 20th century philosopher, Clint Eastwood, said, “A man’s got to know his limitations.”
Wrong Question? Right question? No question!
But Moses said to God, “Who am I . . . ?” that I should go to Pharaoh, and that I should bring the sons of Israel out of Egypt?”
And He (i.e., the LORD) said, “Certainly I will be with you . . .” (Exodus 3:11-12).
Moses was asking the wrong question. He was asking who he was. Who was Moses to go to Pharaoh, and tell him to let God’s people go from their slavery?
The right question was this: “God, will You go with me?”
Actually, Moses didn’t even need to ask this question. The LORD God was going with Moses, whether or not Moses asked!
Have you ever been asked—or told—to do impossible things? Have you ever asked the question, “Who am I to do this?”
Wrong question! If God tells us to do something, God will go with us.
The with-us-ness of God is one of the most comforting and empowering truths of the universe. And it wasn’t just Moses that God was with. God was with Israel when they went through the fires and floods (Isaiah 43:2).
For Christians, Jesus Christ is the ultimate expression of God’s with-us-ness. Joseph, Mary’s husband, was thinking about divorcing his betrothed wife. She was pregnant, and Joseph was quite certain that the child was not his.
However, an angel appeared to him in a dream. I’ll let Matthew tell this story.
“But when he had considered this, behold, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream, saying, ‘Joseph, son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary as your wife; for the Child who has been conceived in her is of the Holy Spirit.
‘She will bear a Son; and you shall call His name Jesus, for He will save His people from their sins.’
Now all this took place to fulfill what was spoken by the Lord through the prophet:
‘BEHOLD, THE VIRGIN SHALL BE WITH CHILD AND SHALL BEAR A SON, AND THEY SHALL CALL HIS NAME IMMANUEL’ which translated means, ‘GOD WITH US.’”
I was puzzled by this passage for years. Name him “Jesus.” This fulfills the prophecy that the child will be called “Immanuel.”
Matthew explains that the name “Jesus” (which literally means “the LORD will deliver”) means that Jesus will primarily deliver his people from their sins. It should be noted that even (especially?) God’s people need to be forgiven. And the name “Immanuel” means “God-with-us.”
However, there is a problem: Name him “Jesus,” to fulfill the prophecy that he will be called “Immanuel.”
What! That sounds like someone saying, “Name him ‘George,’ since it was predicted that he would be named ‘Timothy’!”
But eventually, I got it: THE ONLY WAY FOR GOD TO BE WITH US IS FOR GOD TO DELIVER US FROM OUR SINS.
I have heard it said this way. I have no idea who said it, but it cannot be said better. “God is not against us for our sins; rather, God is for us against our sins.”
Who are you to do something impossible, like dealing with the messes you’ve endured or created? Wrong question! God is with you! And that’s not a question. It is a glorious reality!
DTEB, SURVIVING FATHER’S DAY
I have survived another Father’s Day. That is a major accomplishment for me. Every time that someone wished me a “Happy Father’s Day!” it was like a stake being driven through my mind and heart.
Yes, I am a dad No, I was not a good one. Perhaps I wasn’t quite as bad as I or my adult children think, but we can probably agree on one thing: I wasn’t a particularly good dad, and I did a lot of damage.
I console myself with several truths, which I hope are truly true.
Truth # 1: Perhaps (and it is hard to argue with “perhaps!), I did a few things right. Along with my wife (who did all the heavy lifting), I did help give them life. My kids can’t take that away from me, even if they would like to!
Truth # 2: I helped keep them alive until they were able to be more or less on their own.
Truth # 3: I have tried to own up to the wrong I’ve done. I have not done this to their satisfaction, but I do not exist for their satisfaction.
Truth # 4: While I am very far indeed from the man I want to be, I am not entirely the man I used to be.
Truth # 5: That was then; this is now.
Truth # 6: Every dad I’ve ever gotten to know personally is a very flawed creature.
These truths do not console me much. However, my suspicion is that truth does not exist in order to console. Truth exists in order to be true.
Meanwhile, it is June 20, the day after Father’s Day and the first day of summer. It is another day, to invest myself in God, in other people, in becoming a better version of myself. I think that I had better get over myself and on with the tasks at hand. Right now, I need to eat some oatmeal with blueberries and a little brown sugar and cinnamon, run two or three miles, study, pray, encourage others, prepare for Bible Lands and Life Ways, work on a review for Stone-Campbell Journal, be emotionally available to my wife. The kind of dad I was (and was not) in the past is none of my business. My business today is today.
That is your business, dear reader, as well.
THE HEROISM OF LITTLE THINGS?
I worry too much about summing up my life. Here is the truth: I can’t, and it’s none of my business!
I also waste time fantasizing about doing some great, heroic deed to try to make up, at least in some degree, for the great evil I’ve done in my lifetime. You know the sort of thing I’m talking about: rushing into a burning building to save a baby, rushing an active shooter, that sort of thing.
But such great opportunities rarely present themselves. The truth is that I have lots of opportunities to do good every day. Perhaps the heroisms of little things matter. And how do I know that I would rise to the occasion, if the occasion for serious heroism were to present itself? The horrible massacre in Orlando has provoked much reflection on my own lack of courage.
I was talking about these things with a friend as we enjoyed coffee outside a local coffee shop. I had just confessed that I doubted I would act heroically if the opportunity presented itself, when there was a loud explosion right behind me. I turned around, prepared to run in the direction of the explosion.
However, it turned out that it was merely a semi driver who had curbed his tire. The tire had blown out.
Well, at least in this case I was prepared to run toward danger, rather than away from it.
But the rest of the day was filled with little things. No more explosions. Helping my wife in the garden, reading, helping twelve-step friends, waiting tables in the evening.
Heroic? No, I don’t think so. But perhaps I need to redefine the word heroic. Perhaps the real heroes are the ones who consistently do what needs doing at any given moment. Perhaps it is precisely the people who will never be interviewed on the eleven-clock news, who are the real heroes.
Of Broken Glasses, Diligence, and Patience
“Let us run with patience the race that is set before us . . .” (Hebrews 12:1).
Aside from breaking a glass last night at work, I did pretty well waiting tables at one of my restaurants last night.
However, I wonder: Does this “little” (??) thing show me things about myself which I need to attend to?
I broke the glass as I was taking it to dish to be washed. I had my tray overloaded. Yes, I was trying to do a better job of busing my tables. I was being more diligent, right?
Maybe not! Trying to take too much at a time could be considered diligence. It could also be diligent form of laziness.
The desire to do a lot right now, an impatience with the process and long-term commitment—these things have plagued me all my life. I am addicted to quick.
I have tended to blame my dad for not being patient with me, and thus, being unable to teach me things. Perhaps that is true.
On the other hand, perhaps the more relevant truth for me is that I was and am not patient enough with myself and with the process of learning new things and accomplishing necessary tasks.
It’s amazing how much a broken glass can teach you if you really listen to the sound of shattering glass!
ON HELPING SOME ROBINS BUILD A NEST
DTEB,
I helped some robins build their nest today!
No, I did not directly help. They didn’t need my direct help, and I’m sure they would have managed without me.
However, . . .
This morning, as I was going back inside after having my yogurt and strawberries on the deck, I saw three robins on our garage roof. It was likely two males and one female. One bird had straw in her (??) beak. One of the other birds (a male?) was chasing the other bird (another male?) away.
I am basing my reading of the little drama which played out before me on certain assumptions about the behavior of birds. I am no ornithologist, so these assumptions need to be taken as just that—assumptions.
Assumption # 1: Female birds are more interested in building nests than in fighting off other birds.
Assumption # 2: Males are more territorial than are females, and want to keep the females all for themselves.
Of course, I may be wrong in both of these assumptions. Perhaps I am (mis)understanding birds in terms of fairly common human behavior. If so, I sincerely apologize to the entire species!
How did I help, you may ask? I provided the straw!
Oh, alright: I didn’t really provide the straw for the birds. I got it a couple of months ago, trying to keep my strawberries from freezing.
Still, it was rather satisfying to see them using something I had provided, no matter how unintentional my provision was.
I was reminded of a little drama I saw played out many years ago. Two sparrows were making love in a large oak tree outside my office window. I looked away because I did not wish to violate an intensely personal moment for the birds. It was a cold day in January, and I marveled at their courage. I was battling depression, and was heartened by the birds.
The very next morning, I saw what I could only assume were the same two birds in the same tree. They both had twigs in their beaks, ready to build a nest. Make love, make a nest: It is important to do both!
I am not too old now for the making of nests.
Or then again, am I?
Perhaps I—perhaps all of us—can nurture life in one way or another. Or, at the very least, we can provide some straw.
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